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Consumed
Contributed by
agonyaunt
on
Sunday, 22nd April 2007 @ 10:39:27 PM in AEST
Topic:
ambiguous
|
I feel so mortifyingly alone, even when people surround me. My heart is shattered even though I didn’t genuinely care. It seems I am just clutching on to anything to relieve the pain. Why do I feel this? Why am I so alone? I have people that care about me, love me yet I always try to obtain what I cant have. I am currently on a severe downward spiral, just waiting to crash at any minute, just to feel something. Nothing in my life seems to be going the way I need or want it to. Its funny how one little thing uplifted me and gave me the motivation to do it all. I have lost that, that and my soul. Self-destructive mode. Just push the button and click it is done. I don’t think I have been at such a low point in my life, well once, June 29th 2000 to be exact, almost 7 years ago. I am seriously losing my sanity, my belief system and all that is embedded in me. Numbness, melancholy, to the extent that the sappy songs don’t do anything, for once music isn’t touching my essence or being. This scares me.
Alcohol. Even this potent life force in my life isn’t helping anymore. Oxymoron but still it previously helped, now I have gone so far beyond the point where I am just even not feeling after that either. Fallacy. I just put on a brave face and smile, face the world head on and seem like the happy go lucky person I once was. Who have I become? I don’t even recognize myself anymore. This scares me as I have always been in tuned with myself, now I don’t even recognize my own reflection. I cry for help but no one hears me. Maybe the sweet tobacco that has consumed me muffles my voice. Surrounding myself with a person I wouldn’t otherwise give the time of day, just to exist. Not be another face in the crowd. Be unconditionally loved. What did I lack? What do I lack? Now I understand why people cut themselves, to feel. The sharpness of a dull blade, the warm crimson blood running down one’s arm, sticky and thick. Lifeless. Control. Mortality. I miss you. I need you. I don’t need anybody but crave you, yearn just to be touched by you once more. Anguish, agony, morphine. I can’t even hold my head up. Don’t even want to type. Don’t even want to lay in bed, nor walk nor smoke nor love. Just be.
Copyright ©
agonyaunt
... [
2007-04-22 22:39:27]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Consumed
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fallen-like-the-sky on
Sunday, 13th May 2007 @ 06:31:36 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Hi, some of the things that you said really struck a chord with me. I dont know if I can be of any help but I just want to let you know that last year I suffered under the weight of similar feelings and managed to pull through it, obviously I had other people helping me, but I had the same alone feeling even when I was surrounded.
I hope you can find something to believe in and some relief from the pain.
xFLTSx |
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