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I Have Three Unusual Pets
Contributed by
derb
on
Monday, 16th April 2007 @ 07:16:23 AM in AEST
Topic:
ChildrensPoetry
|
I Have Three Unusual Pets
by
Derby Hampton
I have three unusual pets,
which need some extra care.
When I take them outdoors walking,
most people point and stare.
I keep a shaggy lioness,
who is really quite rude.
At dinner, she sits on my lap,
eating most of my food.
Out back, I have my elephant,
which is kind of nifty.
I let the neighbor kids ride him
for a dollar fifty.
I also have a pet giraffe,
who is dreadfully tall.
At night, when he sleeps on my bed,
his feet reach to the hall.
Mother asked if I want more pets.
I told her no, I’m through.
No more pets for me until mom
stops working at the zoo.
Copyright ©
derb
... [
2007-04-16 07:16:23]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I Have Three Unusual Pets
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadheadpoet on
Monday, 16th April 2007 @ 08:46:10 AM AEST
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Oooo your pets sound soooo cool. I love your style. I hope you share more soon.
Peace and hugs,
Laura |
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Re: I Have Three Unusual Pets
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Monday, 16th April 2007 @ 08:50:29 AM AEST
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beautiful style and flow and sooo adorable!
love n' hugs nessa |
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Re: I Have Three Unusual Pets
(User Rating: 1 )
by needledancing on
Monday, 16th April 2007 @ 11:52:20 AM AEST
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Enjoyable and a very cute ending.
Not many elephants, giraffes or lions in my neighbourhood. |
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Re: I Have Three Unusual Pets
(User Rating: 1 )
by FRANCO on
Monday, 16th April 2007 @ 02:02:34 PM AEST
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It is a great poem; this is something I use to fantasies while I was a little kid. You are a very Good poet my friend, Your poetry are already a well polished fine cut diamonds.
FRANCO. |
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Re: I Have Three Unusual Pets
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Wednesday, 25th April 2007 @ 02:40:47 PM AEST
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First of all, welcome to YPDC, Derby! I do believe this is the first of yours that I've read. I spotted the "I'm seeking to make my poetry imaginative and fun, and to use a rhythm that children enjoy reading." note on your page first... which, of course, prompted me to take a look at one of your posts. Frankly, something light and fun sounded seriously appealing right about now - even if I'm well over the intended reader age. : P
I think you've nailed "imaginative and fun" here. I have a 9 1/2 year old daughter... I'd guess that she's a bit too old for this now, but would have loved it a couple years ago. You're absolutely right to be mindful of rhythm. I think little ones find 'sing songy' poems appealing and a good rhythm will help to keep it fun and even easier for them to memorize a piece if they're interested enough to do so. You're rhythm is on target here in that you've carried the 8-6-8-6 syllable count straight through... but, it did take me a little bit to 'catch the rhythm' so to speak. I am by no means an expert on meter (I prefer to write free verse and if I do go at rhymed poetry, I do so by instinct rather than a more technical approach)... but I'd guess that more attention to meter would smooth out the flow and eliminate any stumbling for the reader (i.e., - me. LOL). Best advice I can give you is to always read your work aloud before considering it done - or - hand it to someone else when you think it's near final and ask them to read it.... any hiccup points are usually immediately obvious. I personally struggled with "dreadfully tall" and would suggest flipping the line about the lioness' bad attitude from "who is really quite rude" to "who really is quite rude" to improve the flow).
I've rambled enough. I do hope I've said something (?!) of merit and/or help and that you didn't mind my rambling away in your comment section. Again, welcome! And keep writing... there's a world full of smallish people out there that deserve great poetry!
~Snemmy |
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Re: I Have Three Unusual Pets
(User Rating: 1 )
by derb on
Saturday, 28th April 2007 @ 01:58:24 PM AEST
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| I have to agree that I came up with a rhthym pattern that is too complicated for a children's poem, especially since I don't carry the pattern throughout the poem. The 1st and 5th verses have the same pattern, trochee and then iamb. The 2nd and 4th verses have their own unique pattern that includes an anapestic foot. And verse 3 has another unique pattern, which switches from iamb to trochee. No doubt too confusing, but I did have fun working it out. I'll have to try rewriting this poem with a simple pattern. |
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Re: I Have Three Unusual Pets
(User Rating: 1 )
by laststarontheleft on
Tuesday, 30th March 2010 @ 06:52:34 AM AEST
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Loved it!
Would be nice to see more of what you've created since this post.
Full of fun and imagination - my daughter will enjoy reading your poetry when she gets home from school!
Take care, and more posts please!!!
Star x x x |
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