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Cradle
Contributed by
porcelaincellophane
on
Friday, 6th April 2007 @ 03:27:34 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
I estivate,
Lungfish-like,
buried in the grains of a black desert.
The sky is a dark matrix,
where one sun speaks
a bumble bee tongue
to a moon that drips
a honey glaze
-across the Universe’s shadows.
I see your galaxies,
they swivel
amongst abandoned high-chairs,
that rock
when disturbed by sea.
They are arrogant
and they hurt,
like a dacryphiliac’s lover
or slave.
These oil rigs
know not of despair,
they have no eyes
and hear no secrets.
What surrounds
-ad nauseam,
the emetic press of appointments
-acidic gut,
like the burn
of ice or flame.
And we do not adhere,
we simply ignore
and continue to relieve
a forgotten-forever.
Copyright ©
porcelaincellophane
... [
2007-04-06 03:27:34]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Cradle
(User Rating: 1 )
by steven_fenton1982 on
Friday, 6th April 2007 @ 05:02:02 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| i like this one! :D very good:) |
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Re: Cradle
(User Rating: 1 )
by yangdantien on
Friday, 6th April 2007 @ 05:05:03 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
This hand Rocks the 'Cradle'
This piece leads the ear though a heartburn of mental digestion. Having met those who enjoy the pain and outbursts of others:
"...I see your galaxies,
they swivel
amongst abandoned high-chairs,
that rock
when disturbed by sea.
They are arrogant
and they hurt,
like a dacryphiliac’s lover
or slave. "
I will be chewing on this for a while.
Excellent
Yangdantien |
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Re: Cradle
(User Rating: 1 )
by needledancing on
Friday, 6th April 2007 @ 03:45:18 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| A very powerful write As when we simly ignore..what then? |
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Re: Cradle
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Monday, 30th April 2007 @ 07:14:51 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
vividly interesting...
love n' hugs nessa |
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Re: Cradle
(User Rating: 1 )
by Dom on
Sunday, 13th May 2007 @ 05:45:41 PM AEST
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Powerful and vivid, excellent post,
Dom |
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Re: Cradle
(User Rating: 1 )
by edwynne on
Thursday, 6th September 2007 @ 06:57:07 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| excellent!!!.. the best of yours I have read..!! |
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Re: Cradle
(User Rating: 1 )
by edwynne on
Thursday, 6th September 2007 @ 08:49:59 PM AEST
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I've come back to read this again.. I wish I had more time.. I 'd love to play around with this.. with a little tweaking this could be immence!!!
"And we do not adhere,
we simply ignore
and continue to relieve
a forgotten-forever.".. verses like this dilute the poem in my opinion.. the rest of of is thick with imagery and poetic yu-hummyness...
If I were you i'd use the ending from your other poem'' where flowers don't grow' {something like that}
'-across the Universe’s shadows.' cut this line right out.. there's no need to be so literal..
estivate- I'd change this.. I didn't even know what it meant.. it looks liked you've flicked through a theasuarus for a word... using flashy words only isolates the reader..
thats all I have time for right now.. but I hope you take my advice on this one.. because this poem could be seriously good!!
well done you :} |
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