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Join Me Below
Contributed by
lilbabe
on
Wednesday, 28th March 2007 @ 09:05:55 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Glass pierces the flesh of desire
And we long for lust
In the Garden
Of which we reside
The collected bodies-
Empty shells;
Hold for us some ungained knowledge
That we are simply dying to know
And you kill me
As once more I glance
Up at your face,
Concentrating.
Oh my Love,
How I longed to touch
Your pale flesh
As you give me up
To be your Queen below.
My Blood the ultimate sacrifice:
You've earned for yourself a seat as a King
In Hell
Copyright ©
lilbabe
... [
2007-03-28 21:05:55]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Join Me Below
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Wednesday, 28th March 2007 @ 10:21:07 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
And you kill me
As once more I glance
Up at your face,
Concentrating.
I like the above line. I think you have a lot of potential, but you need to think about what it is you're trying to say, and how clear you want it to be to the reader. (not that this isn't clear, but it's not eh...it doesn't give me any feeling...)
I think what it might be is that you're being too sterile. Break some rules child. Remember that art defines life...you have to believe in something in order for others to believe in it as well. |
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Re: Join Me Below
(User Rating: 1 )
by needledancing on
Thursday, 29th March 2007 @ 07:05:44 AM AEST
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I like this piece. The simple description
The collected bodies-
Empty shells;
Hold for us some ungained knowledge
informs you quite accurately where you have travelled to.Well done.
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Re: Join Me Below
(User Rating: 1 )
by sicknivesevered on
Friday, 30th March 2007 @ 04:01:12 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| I enjoyed the second stanza very much. The rest was kind of cliche. Dark is good. Keep at it. |
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Re: Join Me Below
(User Rating: 1 )
by lonelywolf04 on
Friday, 30th March 2007 @ 05:56:26 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| i like it of course i really like dark poems |
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