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Burning Laughter
Contributed by
Heretic
on
Sunday, 4th March 2007 @ 04:11:13 AM in AEST
Topic:
anguished
|
I sit alone,
I do not despair,
I revel in its silence
I glow in its radiance.
The ripples of laughter search me out,
Battering against my mind,
I shut them out,
As the tears of life burn paths down my cheeks,
Burning my soul for eternity,
Scarring me like nothing else.
But still I bar the door,
Lock myself in,
Hiding from life,
To the emotions which brought me here,
Drowning in self loathing.
I see the face every waking moment,
It is a mirage of happier times,
Times I felt alive.
Now I am dead,
Full of the fake life of a flower on the wind,
I dance with the wind,
Soon it shall stop and I shall fall.
Copyright ©
Heretic
... [
2007-03-04 04:11:13]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Burning Laughter
(User Rating: 1 )
by Rhei76 on
Sunday, 4th March 2007 @ 12:28:28 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
You did great on this
It myght not stay together
But in time you will look at it and find
what you hid here |
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Re: Burning Laughter
(User Rating: 1 )
by Butterat_Zool on
Sunday, 4th March 2007 @ 01:58:14 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
I like the fact that you never got sappy or sentimental. I did think you were a little wordy, though, but getting rid of those extra words would make the ones you leave more powerful. I hope you don't mind my cleaning this up a little to make my point. Take a look a this:
I sit alone,
I do not despair,
I revel in silence
I glow in radiance.
The ripples of laughter search me out,
Battering my mind,
I shut them out,
As the tears of life blaze down my cheeks,
Burning my soul,
And scarring me like nothing else.
I bar the door,
Lock myself in,
Hide from life,
And the emotions which brought me here,
I drown in self-loathing.
I see the face every waking moment,
A mirage of happier times,
When I felt alive.
Now I am dead,
Full of false life like a flower on the wind.
I dance,
And soon I shall fall.
I mean, it's your poem, so do what you want with it, and I hope you don't think i'm stepping on your toes, i just see that there's a way to make it a little stronger. Good write. Keep it up.
BZ. |
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Re: Burning Laughter
(User Rating: 1 )
by Heretic on
Sunday, 4th March 2007 @ 05:59:18 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Thanks for the suggestion. I'll keep it in mind the next time I write and I will make a copy of the poem with your suggestions. Thank you. |
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Re: Burning Laughter
(User Rating: 1 )
by needledancing on
Sunday, 4th March 2007 @ 06:06:45 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| It is a good write...sad and I have felt that sadness as we all have some time or another..I can relate..but I hope happier times are here for you now. |
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