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LoV3 iS bLiNd
Contributed by
UniQueBoriCua
on
Saturday, 27th January 2007 @ 03:38:41 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
How can love be so blind
It can make you feel so confined
Like there's no where to go
And you feel so low
Cause the one you love
And think the world of
Wants nothing to do with you
Even after all you've been through
There's nothin you can do
Cause he's no longer your boo
And still love is blind
Because he treats you unkind
But you'll still keep him in mind
And miss him all the time
But dont worry bein in love is not a crime
And still your eyes stay covered
Even after you discovered
He cheated on you
But you just dont get a clue
He doesnt love you
And he wasnt true to you
But you still cry for him at night
And wish that everything would be alright
And wish you and him would be together
And the relationship would last forever
"Give me one more chance." you ask
But hunny take off that mask
Just go on with your life
And someday you will make a great wife
By: UniQueBoriCua
Copyright ©
UniQueBoriCua
... [
2007-01-27 15:38:41]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: LoV3 iS bLiNd
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Saturday, 27th January 2007 @ 09:04:41 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Ok, personally, I only clicked on this because you wanted an honest opinion, I wouldn't have otherwise. Sticky caps (what you use in the title) tend to put me off straight away, they would have kept me from reading. So, my first suggestion is to lose those, they make a poem look unprofessional and a little messy. Also, word shortcuts like 'n' and 'u' look messy and to me seem to shout out that you're just being lazy, even if you're not. I mean, come on, how hard is it to write 'you' or 'and'?
I feel a little bit that a couple of the rhymes in this are rather forced. 'Blind/confined'...does work, but not very well, it looks like you've tried to say something else, but been unable to place a word you like there, and have just used it...
I like the rest of it much more. The rhymes work better further down, and it really starts to flow. It's a shame it ended so soon actually. I was just getting into it. I think it could really do with more, it's too abrupt.
Anyway, it's still not a bad write, I have seen a lot of poems, and this isn't too bad.
Phyllis xxx |
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Re: LoV3 iS bLiNd
(User Rating: 1 )
by JoeyTrib1550 on
Sunday, 28th January 2007 @ 12:57:22 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Nice read
though totaly agreeing with 'lostinmyself', on everything he mentioned actually, so no use to write it all down again
Otherwise it's ok
just needs a little bit more work
keep it up |
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