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A drunk can forget your name, and the pain, which can cause a muderous love.
Contributed by
xDiSaStErPiEcEx
on
Thursday, 4th January 2007 @ 06:09:41 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
a creaking sound made,
as he walks through the door.
step by step by limp by fall.
do you think he cares anymore?
stands up, pushed down,
a tear in his eye.
the words in his mind,
each slur is a lie.
in such a drunken manner,
the fist fly to bruise.
and as it plays though his eyes,
will it surely make the news?
well maybe more dramatic,
is that the way to go?
cut his wrist, with a bloody body to hang,
then would everyone know?
but in his mind it's such a beautiful painting,
a mix of purples, blacks, blues, and a red.
on his last lonely night,
he knows he's better off dead.
a creaking sound made,
the smell's on his breath.
the dad he once knew,
bringing the want of his death.
the courage to cut,&& hurt to hang.
walking along meets a girl in the hall.
she feels the same pain, same smell in her nose.
she has the feelings as though to end it all.
and together both bleeding,
hurting and screaming.
the pain disappears,
as though they were dreaming.
strangers so similiar, so unknown, so alike.
paintings, feelings, and endings mesh so perfectly together.
with dad's with same problems, same beer brand, same nature.
all name's forgotten, erased, && the pain's felt forever.
so as you go on, breathing in this murderous air.
think of broken homes, drunk fathers, hurt sons, && beat daughters.
and how, "oh love, i can handle it, it won't happen again.! i promise..."
think of this drink, and how it causes, the pain, the hurt, human slaughters.
<2
Copyright ©
xDiSaStErPiEcEx
... [
2007-01-04 06:09:41]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A drunk can forget your name, and the pain, which can cause a muderous love.
(User Rating: 1 )
by tissueshaveissues on
Thursday, 4th January 2007 @ 11:47:29 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Some of this needs some clarification, I couldn't tell for awhile if it was the drunk man or the drunk mans son going to kill himself. Also the last 4 lines kind of cheapen the poem. It would be really good if you could find away to say that without saying it outright. Also where is he that he just randomly meets some girl in the hall also killing herself? I love the line strangers so similiar so unknown so alike. A lot of this flows very well it just needs clarification so it makes sense to it's readers. This definately has a really good idea behind it and a lot of potential. |
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Re: A drunk can forget your name, and the pain, which can cause a muderous love.
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 4th January 2007 @ 05:23:16 PM AEST
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okay, this is for the last "commenteer" -tissueshaveissues...
poetry doesn't have to make sense. does beauty, or hate, or love...does any of that ever make sense. no.
anyway...my dear kylee...this is beautiful. i love rhyming!
- Bethani - |
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