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Bargain Of Loss
Contributed by
MuhammadShanazar
on
Friday, 27th October 2006 @ 05:06:03 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
When at late hours,
The dark night wanes,
Silence prevails all around,
The stars shine,
Clear like precious gems,
Emitting out,
The light compressed.
When the wind blows,
Cool, gentle and soft,
The world enjoys sleep,
Profound and deep,
How heart wishes,
To go stealthily,
To the street of the mistress,
Waiting, anxious and restless.
To tell her passion,
To loosen the burden,
Of eyes, of heart,
To present her scented petals,
Sweet, fresh and of many colours,
In exchange of thorns and dolours.
What a pleasure it is !
In the bargain of loss.
Copyright ©
MuhammadShanazar
... [
2006-10-27 05:06:03]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Bargain Of Loss
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jackee_line on
Friday, 27th October 2006 @ 05:08:57 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Beautifully written , well done |
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Re: Bargain Of Loss
(User Rating: 1 )
by Caged Soul on
Friday, 27th October 2006 @ 06:40:22 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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I liked how you structured this, also the internal rhyming you used in places.
Maybe this is just me, but maybe if you had written this in the first person rather than the second it would have portrayed the longing the person feels in a stronger and much more intimate manner...but as I said, maybe its just me.
Good job with this.
Ash~ |
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