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Charcoal
Contributed by
lisa99460
on
Sunday, 15th October 2006 @ 06:19:48 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
You’re always lonelier when its colder.
The naked trees, the charcoal sky
Dimly lit stars and a chilling breeze.
Its always colder without him.
Thinking back, you once felt so warm
on a night like this.
Its colder now in this small New England town
There’s something missing; replaced by a frown
Its always colder without a smile.
Its always colder; won’t you please stay a while?
Face it; you’re always colder when you’re lonely.
Copyright ©
lisa99460
... [
2006-10-15 18:19:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Charcoal
(User Rating: 1 )
by Freesia on
Sunday, 15th October 2006 @ 06:39:18 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
we always miss love's warmth when life's cold snap comes around.
Nice write
Freesia |
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Re: Charcoal
(User Rating: 1 )
by faith_my_eyes on
Sunday, 15th October 2006 @ 06:45:42 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I do really like this, but it does not feel finished. You could spend a bit of time describing the old... the wind... the chill... the climate of love itself... |
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Re: Charcoal
(User Rating: 1 )
by AJG on
Sunday, 15th October 2006 @ 10:11:44 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Your idea is perfect; I agree with the last comment, though. I, as a reader, want more. I was drawn by the title, and read the first half with empathy, and was very much drawn in to the pictue you painted. I got de-railed at "frown". I thought this rhyme was too easy. Your final line is insightful and true. I appreciated the way you came full circle with the first and final lines. "Face it" seems unecessary. Critics are sometimes careless; but you had me invested in this piece, so I thought I'd give my two cents. |
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