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Just thinking through the keyboard
Contributed by
gabby521
on
Sunday, 8th October 2006 @ 01:53:15 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
And so begins the tragedy known as my life: a bitter sweet display of emotions, feelings that in time will be forgotten and yet restore themselves for someone new, never letting go of past hurts while trying to start over on the path that only leads to greater heartache.... and when someone said it's worth it, they didn't know what that entailed, the lies and deceptions that go along with affection, they couldn't have known that I have failed, failed in being all that could never be thrown away, failed in being his everything, being more than what I am for him, to make his day, more than what he made me to be, it was never enough, as far as I could see. When I told myself, it's worth it... it's worth the tears and sleepless nights and shameful existence in the presence of those who deem it wrong... it's worth the time I'll spend going over and over in my head what I will say and the embarassment I feel when nothing decides to pass through my lips but a sigh and a longing to once more know his kiss... when I told myself it's worth the humiliation I'll endure from my own pleading thoughts on how I can make things right again, knowing full well that it's not up to me... when I told myself it's worth it, to know in the end that what we had, or almost had, or will never have again, was real, when I said it I didn't know... I didn't know that that distant reality, as real as I can make it seem from words that we said and feelings we felt, I still cannot hope for more than what was, something will always be different... his words will always hold a bit of doubt, his smile will always tell of something he won't say, something he's not telling me, how now can I trust him? How now can I trust myself to know when something's wrong? I know that in my new-found ambiguity there lies still a larger than life addiction to his words, be they true or of deceit, there lies within me a wanting to believe him... things were so much easier when I thought that he could do no wrong, when I thought that I meant the world to him because he said it so,.. Now I feel as though I'm begging my way back into his heart, and I'm unaware of the validity of his speech because I've proven myself naive, to the point where I simply want to forget what has happened, to let everything go, to trust him completely as though he's never given me reason for doubt. What am I to do with this vulnerability that I have taken upon myself to embrace? How will I ever know what to do for myself when all I want is to depend on the possible falsehoods of his feelings just so I can get through another day?
Tragic, though it seems, my life is not. A comedy, to others it may seem, to myself it will become. A product of thought? No. If anything, my life will become less of a tragedy after I have learned not to think so much, perhaps to think on different things, other than how I feel...
To those laughing now over the things of this life, those not yet acquainted with this realm of thought that translates the word "tragedy" as an understatement in comparison to your existence, you've not yet known happiness until you've found a subject worth exhausting your every thought about. A person who inhabits your thoughts like nothing has before, like nothing ever will again. Not until you've spent countless hours thinking of the two of you, even if it's over, even if there's no chance in going back... not until you've spent every moment you have alone contemplating how you could have spent a lifetime...
Copyright ©
gabby521
... [
2006-10-08 13:53:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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