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Dumb comedy
Contributed by
twbanter
on
Thursday, 21st September 2006 @ 07:38:45 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Everything I do
Is all about funny
I’ve sent jokes to Mad TV
SNL, and Martha Stewart
I’m not sure about the Stewart thing
I just did it
Maybe she could make a nice
Joke pie out of it… I don’t know
So I’m walking along
And I see a crane, at least I thought so
Now they tell me they’re Herrings
So what? It’s a freggin bird
At least I knew that! Christ! Give me a break!
So, a priest walks into an underage bar
No, sorry, I’m not going there
So I went to the Registry the other day
Why? Good question…
I was seeking an insanity permit.
You don’t actually have to get one there
Just waiting in line gives you one
But it still cost you hours…. So make sure you bring some (and three forms of ID)
So finally it happened to me
I fell in love with a man the other day
Unfortunately, I’m a man too
So it didn’t work out
Turns out he was gay
Unfortunately, I’m not
Yeah, it rained yesterday… Thank God I wasn’t there
And what’s with these hurricane names?
Can you IMAGINE how you’d feel, if you were 8 years old
And your name was Katrina?
Damn! I don’t remember doing that!
But I’m sorry anyway…
Thank God My Step Dad doesn’t beat me
Or I’d be completely screwed up for life
So…. How’s your socks?
I know I have problems with those
Maybe if I’d just wear them on my feet, I’d be okay
Maybe…
I had a hot dog the other day…
It wasn’t very good
It was furry, and chewy
Turns out, it was a Labrador…
Rough break for him
My Mom put me in a baseball bat induced comma once
Now, I don’t blame her for that
I mean Ordinarily I wouldn’t
But I was 48 at the time…
So that was a bit unusual
Okay, I’m done…
Sort of…..
I went to an Ice cream stand the other day
I found out it only STANDS for a little while (The Ice Cream)
Except in winter, but they’re not open then
So I thought, “why not?”
So I’m going to open one come December…
I think my cat has a speech impediment
But it’s hard to be sure
I had a tank of anorexic fish once
It was so hard not feeding them, and watching them die
But at least they were inexpensive
I bought that “oxy cotton” so I could get the stains out of my rugs
But they hired a lawyer, and it’s become quite complicated
Yeah… Some things just don’t work out
I ended up settling
They got half the house, and my car
I don’t see what a stain can do with a car, but there’s American justice for you
At least I got custody of the rugs
The stains get supervised visits though
So what’s with the price of gas?
Used to cost one can of beans
Now it’s 3 tacos, one burrito, AND a can of beans (unless you consolidate and get the bean Burrito)
Used to be, you could just pull my finger…. Those days are long gone
All right, I have to go now
I need to go sell my inheritance
Is anyone here interested in a broken down pop-up?
(Comes with a mobile shopping cart…. Last I saw it was filled with aluminum cans…)
Oh, and oh yeah! I almost forgot about this
Golf is hard, and stupid
Just wanted to clear that up
Okay, I think I’ll get back on my medication now….
Copyright ©
twbanter
... [
2006-09-21 19:38:45]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Dumb comedy
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadheadpoet on
Thursday, 21st September 2006 @ 08:07:40 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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LMFAO. Ya know, I was picturing you doing this stand-up routine on stage.....of course I don't know what you look like...all I have is this vision of Johnny Depp in your avatar. LOL
You're funny, man. I'd loved to see you do this on stage.
Peace, Laura |
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Re: Dumb comedy
(User Rating: 1 )
by drtylilsecret on
Friday, 22nd September 2006 @ 12:12:21 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| ok, now that was funny. |
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Re: Dumb comedy
(User Rating: 1 )
by jerseysue on
Friday, 22nd September 2006 @ 03:10:12 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Ha ha , you have a gift of talking I must say. And a very acid wit. I enjoyed this very much, even though I don't understand some of it. Well thats what you get for being English I suppose. Keep em coming. Sue x |
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