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Welcome !	Home · FAQ · Topics · Web Links · Your Account · Submit Poetry · Top 30 · OldSite Link	22-November 11:32:43 AEST

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To Josh

Contributed by fake_emptyness on Friday, 15th September 2006 @ 05:45:26 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

i cant see your eyes,
your smile has faded and your touch cold.
the words rattel in my head,
"i dont want you out of my life"
but you said you wernt looking for what i have to offer.
i miss your eyes,
your welcomeing, warm smile and passionate touch.
whispering the sweet words in your ear,
"then dont"
i gave you my love with all i could..

when i look to the future,
your who i see,
as i look back,
your who i see.
as i grow old,
i want you to grow with me.
SCREAMING, kicking, fighting.
i'll do anyting to keep us, us.
but i dont have much say in what you want.
i only hope its me.
crying, sobbing, shakeing....
only to be left alone and hurt by you.
is that true.?
Ryan Walters
September 15, 2006

Copyright © fake_emptyness ... [ 2006-09-15 17:45:26]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: To Josh (User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on Friday, 15th September 2006 @ 06:39:35 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I like this. It does need a lot of work though.

The general content is really good. However, you need to check your spelling and grammer. You especially need to look at capitalisation and punctuation, and your spelling needs work. If you cannot do it yourself then ask for a moderator check. It would make your poem look more professional.

I think the first stanza in this is much better than the second. It seems much deeper.

Good write,
Phil xxx

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