Welcome to Your Poetry Dot Com - Read, Rate, Comment on, or Submit Poetry. Browse Poetry Forums, or just enjoy other parts of our poetic community.
One of the largest databases of poetry on the net, now over 198,500+ poems!
Welcome to Your Poetry Dot Com    Poems On Site: 198,500+   Comments On Poems: 427,000+   Forum Posts: 105,000+
Custom Search
  Welcome ! Home  ·  FAQ  ·  Topics  ·  Web Links  ·  Your Account  ·  Submit Poetry  ·  Top 30  ·  OldSite Link 22-November 07:30:41 AEST  
  Menu
  Home
· Micks Shop
· Our eBay Store· Error Submit
 Poetry
· Submit Poetry
· Least Read Poems
· Topics
· Members Listing
· Old Site Post 2001
· Old Site Pre 2001
· Poetry Archive
· Public Domain Poetry
 Stories
· Stories (NEW ! )
· Submit Story
· Story Topics
· Stories Archive
· Story Search
  Community
· Our Poetry Forums
· Our Arcade
100's of Games !

  Site Help
· FAQ
· Feedback

  Members Areas
· Your Account
· Members Journals
· Premium Sign-Up
  Premium Section
· Special Section
· Premium Poems
· Premium Submit
· Premium Search
· Premium Top
· Premium Archive
· Premium Topics
 Fun & Games

· Jokes
· Bubble Puzzle
· ConnectN
· Cross Word
· Cross Word Easy
· Drag Puzzle
· Word Hunt
 Reference
· Dictionary
· Dictionary (Rhyming)
· Site Updates
· Content
· Special Content
 Search
· Search
· Web Links
· All Links
 Top
· Top 30
  Help This Site
· Donations
 Others
· Recipes
· Moderators
Our Other Sites
· Embroidery Design Store
· Your Jokes
· Special Urls
· JM Embroideries
· Public Domain Poetry and Stories
· Diamond Dotz
· Cooking Info and Recipes
· Quoof - Australian Story

  Social

Did you ever really?

Contributed by StormyNites on Wednesday, 30th August 2006 @ 04:57:25 AM in AEST
Topic: LostLove



Did you ever see me?
Or was it someone else.
Did you ever really see me?

Did I ever touch your heart?
When we made love.
Did I ever really touch your heart?

Did you ever listen?
When I whispered, I love you.
Did you ever really listen?

Did you ever taste me?
When we kissed.
Did you ever really taste me?

Did you ever breathe the fragrance of me?
Or only of the other
Did you ever really breathe the fragrance of me?





Copyright © StormyNites ... [ 2006-08-30 04:57:25]
(Date/Time posted on site)





Advertisments:






Previous Posted Poem         | |         Next Posted Poem


 
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title etc.
Re: Did you ever really? (User Rating: 1 )
by JockPhillips on Wednesday, 30th August 2006 @ 03:59:34 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
I liked the poem, but I think you could close it stronger. You set up a nice consistent form and followed it, which can be good. But a system needs to be broken to either reinforce its strengths or expose its weaknesses. Both can be desirable. Try tagging something completely outlandish onto the end of it.


Re: Did you ever really? (User Rating: 1 )
by Skillz on Thursday, 31st August 2006 @ 01:34:46 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
simple..yet sad...nice poem


Re: Did you ever really? (User Rating: 1 )
by ever1der on Thursday, 31st August 2006 @ 03:58:03 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
you asked for tips.. well, here is my input for what it's worth..

I would re-arrange the wording, for example..

Did you ever really see me,
or was someone else in view?
When I whispered did you listen..
When I said, "I love you."

just a thought..


Re: Did you ever really? (User Rating: 1 )
by TwistedCage on Friday, 1st September 2006 @ 07:45:07 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
Stormy, I think you have a decent foundation here. But, the repetative "Really's" kind of distracted my attention from this piece. It seemed as though, you were attempting to put an emphasis on them, and I understand why. Maybe "Truly" would be a better word in some parts? To me, "truly" sounds a bit more poetic, and conveys a more raw feeling in certain areas. I'm going to give you some suggestions that might clean the piece up a bit. I'm keeping it within the original structure, as I assume you want it that way. I needed to go into detail, so I hope you don't mind. :)

I tried to send this via PM, but it wouldn't let me./shrug (I'm Sorry)

The first stanza would read:


"Did you ever see me,
or was it someone else?

Did you ever really see me?"

The seconed stanza I would add a bit to the seconed line, and keep it within the sentence of the first. (I'd also exlude the word "ever" from the first line keeping "ever "the point of focus in the last, and exclude the word "really")

It would read something like this:

"Did I touch your heart,
the times we made love?

Did I ever touch your heart?

The third stanza, like the two previous, I'd keep the first two lines in one sentence. (I'd also put "I love you" in quotations)

It would read something like this:

Did you ever listen,
when I whispered "I love you"?

Did you ever truly listen?

The fourth stanza, I would follow suit, and I would add more, or rather (change it up a bit) the seconed line. But, I would use "really" here instead of "truly". I think it just fits better in this case...

It would read something like this:

Did you ever taste me,
the times our lips met?

Did you ever really taste me?

The fourth stanza I would change "fragrance" to "essence", and I would change up the very last line just to put a finish on the piece.

It would read something like this:

Did you ever breath my essence,
or only of the other?

Tell me, did you ever even know me all?

You might change the title to "Did You Ever"


With my suggestions, the finished piece would read something like this:


Did you ever see me,
or was it someone else?

Did you ever really see me?

Did I touch your heart,
the times we made love?

Did I ever touch your heart?

Did you ever listen,
when I whispered "I love you"?

Did you ever truly listen?

Did you ever taste me,
the times our lips met?

Did you ever really taste me?

Did you ever breath my essence,
or only of the other?

Tell me, did you ever even know me all?



I did this only because you asked. I hope it helps a bit, or maybe it will give you something more to work with? I'm not great at critique, or advice, so take this into consideration...

Much Love,


Re: Did you ever really? (User Rating: 1 )
by StormyNites on Friday, 1st September 2006 @ 12:02:20 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
Very nice !! I like how you did that,,you've reworded it well and it really does give more of the emotion I was trying to convey !! I'm not going to repost the new poem..I want to leave it here as is ..that way hopefully anyone else out there struggling with words reads the changes and it helps them as it helps me. Thanks all for input.


Re: Did you ever really? (User Rating: 1 )
by Uncertain_Oblivion on Friday, 8th September 2006 @ 12:46:21 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
I liked it. And there was nothing majorly wrong with it at all. I'm sure by you just going through and reading it outloud, you could very easily re-word it and it come out perfect as it is now perfect, but just needs that "final touch-up" I hope I haven't offended you, as I am not a professional critique or writer...just giving you the same advise I give myself all the time. But overall, I thought it was very good and also sad. I felt it and that was your goal I'm sure.




While every care is taken to ensure the general sites content is family safe, our moderators cannot be in all places; all the time. Please report poetry and or comments that are in breach of our site rules HERE (Please include poem title or url). Parents also please ensure that you supervise your children well when they are on the internet; regardless of what a site says about being, or being considered, child-safe.

Poetry is much like a great photo, a single "moment in time" capturing many feelings and emotions. Yet, they are very alive; creating stirrings within the readers who form visual "pictures" of the expressed emotions within the Poem. ©

Opinions expressed in the poetry, comments, forums etc. on this site are not necessarily those of this site, its owners and/or operators; but of the individuals who post items to this site.
Frequently Asked Questions | | | Privacy Policy | | | Contact Webmaster

All submitted items are Copyright © to their submitter. All the rest Copyright © 2002-2050 by Your Poetry Dot Com

All logos and trademarks in this site are property of their respective owners.

Script Generation Time: 0.052 Seconds. - View our Site Map | .© your-poetry.com