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Handoverfist (part II)

Contributed by rhei76 on Thursday, 27th July 2006 @ 09:49:37 PM in AEST
Topic: anguished

She rubs her wrist
The soft drops of blood
She wipes her face
Pushing fear from the river floods

She's scared
But will that be her life?
Scared?

Like an aquarium fish
She only gets as big as her thoughts

She finds the real wish
And she brings the beast she bought

Thrashing forward thru the dark
Deep down inside is a heart
Beating to a rythem so enraged
Marching thru the fields of demise
Just to say
Just to say
"Thru that part I survived
& I'm still alive"

She lays in bed
Still sad to the world
To her crazy little cage
Like a frightend bird
Hoping the pain will soon fade

... And she says
"Like Handoverfist
And Mr. Hyde
I've Got a Monster Deep Down Inside."

Copyright © rhei76 ... [ 2006-07-27 21:49:37]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Handoverfist (part II) (User Rating: 1 )
by twick on Friday, 28th July 2006 @ 12:32:05 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

This poem has extreme potential. From "thrashing," to the end was really good. But the lines before that seem scattered and unfocused. I liked the orginality you were trying to achieve with the aquarium line but it seemed a little displaced. Otherwise this poem was really good. Great job.

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