|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
What Next?
Contributed by
jellybelly_23
on
Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 03:34:44 PM in AEST
Topic:
FriendshipPoetry
|
Our notion is noxious
Our purpose profound
We've lost far more than we have found
The air is un-conscious
Your hand is un-clad
Minds are blank, our expressions are sad
I try to remember the good that we had
You try to forget times that were bad
We'll pick up the pieces as they get in our way
Then wipe away tears-a small price to pay
Should we surrender, or shall we defeat?
An alliance like ours? Impossible to beat
Copyright ©
jellybelly_23
... [
2006-07-26 15:34:44]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: What Next?
(User Rating: 1 )
by holstein on
Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 04:02:25 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
jellybelly, you wrote that you're new to poetry, if that's the case, you're off to a good start:)
I like stanza 1 and 3, those are good - clear and succinct, in fact, the combination of notion and noxious plays well with line two.
May I sugest that you expand your stanza's and decrease the number of rhyming words used in them. Rhyming in poetry can be good, in fact it works quite well in yours, but it is dangerous to use it merely for the porpuse of rhyming. I believe you can rewrite your last 3 stanzas, with this in mind, and actually improve upon them. Just remember, be consise! Good luck. |
|
|
Re: What Next?
(User Rating: 1 )
by xxbreathlessx on
Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 04:06:37 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| i completly agree with the comment above! holstien was it? anyways, they give very good advice, i did the same thing with the rhyming when i first started to write and i look back and see how unnatural the flow is...thats when i just started writing from the heart and its gone better. for being new though i would say you did a very good job! keep up the writing i look foward to seeing your progress! |
|
|
Re: What Next?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Keilantra on
Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 07:16:04 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
i'll say this is a good start if your new to poetry. mine was nowhere near as advanced/good.
i liked that what you had here was abstract-ish and definately original. the first stanza is drawing to ther eader so thts a plus.
what i didnt like htough, was a bit of your rhyme scheme. you tend to fall into the cliches like sad/bad/had. and to mem those are very overdone. but i understand that sometimes we have no choice, right?
i hope i have helped. keep writing, you have talent and show promise. i'll be checking!
welcome to YPCD!
xXx
~kei |
|
|
Re: What Next?
(User Rating: 1 )
by richcol7522 on
Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 10:37:51 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
For just beginning you did a pretty good job. I agree with the comments above about your rhyming but you are definitely off to a good start. Although I have been writting for a while I havent let many people read my work so I am looking for some good critics too...read some of my work and let me know what you think. Keep up the good work and I will be checking back from time to time to see you progress.
Take care-
Rich |
|
|
Re: What Next?
(User Rating: 1 )
by The_Unknown on
Thursday, 27th July 2006 @ 04:41:50 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
You're at a good start :)
keep it up. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry!
Luvs ya!
Jess |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Community
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
