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Empty
Contributed by
mama4lyf
on
Thursday, 6th July 2006 @ 01:31:01 AM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
Anger, dispair, thats all i feel.
Sadness, and sorrow thats all i feel.
Thats all i feel now, that i've been humilated
and tortured, in front of the ones i love, but
all to make me feel worse, that my loved ones did not fight back for me.
Feeling alone, and desperate is what i feel now.
No shoulder to cry on, no hand to hold, no one to lean on.
I feel alone in this world now. Like theres nothing left.
Nothing to wait for, but death. Is this my future, is this my end?
When will this empty place be filled? When will my future look bright ahead?
Now all is left is for me to cry, all alone, in an empty room. Nothing but darkness,
nothing to heal these wounds.
Copyright ©
mama4lyf
... [
2006-07-06 01:31:01]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Empty
(User Rating: 1 )
by ultimitloozer on
Thursday, 6th July 2006 @ 02:06:34 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I hate writing comments that make it look like I am ripping on the author. This is NOT the intent of these comments. Keep this in mind as well as the fact that I tend to write quick little items as prose which most people tend to interperet as poetry.
First, the word 'feel' in its various forms is overused in my opinion. You may want to look for a synonym or drop its use altogether in multiple locations. For example, in the first two lines, four emotions are listed as well as the statement 'thats all I feel.' Emotions by definition are felt. All of the redundancy is a bit of a turn-off FOR ME.
Second, the layout itself seems a bit clumsy. You may want to reconsider how and where the lines are broken and how it appears to the eye on the medium.
Third, punctuation should be double-checked. There is a missing apostrophe in the fragment 'Like there's nothing left.'
And last, you may want to eliminate the use of a fragment by altering the punctuation with the previous line.
Again, remember that this is not meant as any kind of attack on the author and it merely reflects the OPINION of a prose writer.
Keep on writing... |
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Re: Empty
(User Rating: 1 )
by lillyjane on
Thursday, 6th July 2006 @ 02:22:56 AM AEST
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| I know how you feel, I have felt the same, still do some days.. (((hugs)))) |
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Re: Empty
(User Rating: 1 )
by dougnut on
Thursday, 6th July 2006 @ 02:50:32 AM AEST
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I think its Good to vent how you are feeling
very theraputic.
I can empathise with you, I also have been
there
TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO.
great write, from the heart. Well Done.
God Bless You.
Doug :-) |
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Re: Empty
(User Rating: 1 )
by Angelseyes on
Thursday, 13th July 2006 @ 07:36:17 PM AEST
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I think alot of people can relate to your poem many people feel alone and empty inside but it goes to show that you are not alone in this cold unfair world.
Keep up your poetry it is self expression! |
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