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It's Over
Contributed by
lilmom101
on
Monday, 26th June 2006 @ 04:37:02 PM in AEST
Topic:
drugabuse
|
Young girl loses her dreams.
When a young boy took her purity.
Now he hits her and screams.
Puts her on the street for grantuity.
Now a baby's on the way.
Daddy and Mommy do drugs.
It got real bad on that cold December day.
then Daddy's bullets embraced us in hugs.
Copyright ©
lilmom101
... [
2006-06-26 16:37:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: It's Over
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on
Monday, 26th June 2006 @ 05:36:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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hmmm very interesting write
A reality check on life |
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Re: It's Over
(User Rating: 1 )
by Winterland on
Tuesday, 27th June 2006 @ 10:38:51 AM AEST
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It is so hard to say you liked a poem that makes you feel so ill and sad inside because of the story it tells, but then that is a mark of a well written story, is it not?
One suggestion I might make about this one is that you changed the perspective from an outside one to a personal one in the last line. For the sake of continuity I would suggest changing the "us" to a "them". It is such a very small thing.
I do really enjoy your style.
Smiles,
Jennifer
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Re: It's Over
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 27th June 2006 @ 11:50:38 AM AEST
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A poem of despair it would seem but being that you wrote about it in such a revealing and honest and sincere way, i'd say your on the right track of life you merely need 2 get on a different train, so reflect long and hard while u r in the stop over stage of adversity, and then proceed with caution. a well crafted
peice of poetry none the less.
Ben |
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Re: It's Over
(User Rating: 1 )
by Surfpup on
Tuesday, 27th June 2006 @ 01:10:04 PM AEST
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This is a saddening look at reality, but it is still reality.
You did a good job explaining this brutal story with such a short poem.
Nice one. Keep on writing! |
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Re: It's Over
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 27th June 2006 @ 09:49:32 PM AEST
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I'd say ya did a fine job hittin' right between the eyes (to the mind) with the hard facts of an unwanted reality ... but a realily, nonetheless - to overcome.
wabl
KenMoore
cowboy |
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