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Failure Flown
Contributed by
franciswolf
on
Thursday, 15th June 2006 @ 09:05:10 PM in AEST
Topic:
surreal
|
You walk down the stairs
And pass the elephant by the steps
To go back to conqueror’s factory
For relaxing your checks
But as you’re leaving the elephant inspects
On just why you leave him alone
Because it misses the carnival and wants you on it’s back
Before your failures are flown
Ten o clock sharp
There is your mistress on the ground
Her finger is calling you
As she wears her yellow gown
But you keep your ears clear like she were muffled in the sound
And you leave her there sitting like a stone
While Dr. Hyde comes to greet her and she’s added to the list
Before your failures are flown
You turn in your plunder
To the pirate who offers you
A life of passive service
For a world you never knew
But you rather meet the maker before accepting what is true
So you stab him and become heir to this sailing tomb
Where you can control the sea before coming into air
Before your failures are flown
You went to Harvard Law
With S.A.T. scores that met the stand
They loved your abilities
And put a diploma in your hand
But you went on with a shovel and buried it deep into the sand
Just to prove that knowledge can’t be owned
And it all goes to waste as you keep control onto your place
Before your failures are flown
So your world becomes denial
And it exist in all you felt was yours
It’s a metaphoric bucket
That at long last falls and pours
And it shatters you into closing off all your doors
Congratulations you built yourself a throne
And you’ll live out the rest of your days worthlessly grown
For your failures are flown
Copyright ©
franciswolf
... [
2006-06-15 21:05:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Failure Flown
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 16th June 2006 @ 06:27:24 PM AEST
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a Message)
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The content and concepts herein are quite solid. This is for the most part owing to the poem having it's root in adjectival phrases and figuration. The true ryhme in the second and lines are too hard, I think. Not wanting to appear an expert in terms of scansion, the sonics could have improved had you chopped the piece around, the beat I think would have worked the best: 5s, 8,s, etc.
Overall well done, although try to limit the use of oxymorons such as "sailing tomb", unless you are mking a specific reference to a concrete phenomena such as a ghost ship. But hey, what would I know? It worked for shakespeare, and he was better than everybody.
you're welcome,
black. |
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Re: Failure Flown
(User Rating: 1 )
by franciswolf on
Friday, 16th June 2006 @ 08:06:00 PM AEST
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| Thank you Black for your generous and critical comment, it was exactly what I was looking for. The “sailing tomb” is in a reference to the character’s position as the new commander of some professional self-suicide in terms. That whole description is in reference to a knowledgeable man being given the choice to call in the towel having retired to bask in the luxury of an accomplished life but denies his days are up and instead decides to carry on in denial of what ever reality he is a part of. The ship is his career, now morbid and unrealistic and in some perspective, a tomb leading straight to his death. |
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