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Mothers and Daughters
Contributed by
pyrofungus
on
Wednesday, 24th May 2006 @ 10:48:48 PM in AEST
Topic:
toughstuff
|
We are mothers.
We are daughters.
We are separated by a gap in time
That we can not control.
Our generations are fading...
Yet we remain stuck
Between those years...
We are of certainty.
We ask, we ask, and we ask,
Yet we take not a smidge of a notice
in our thoughts,
that it could be too much.
We feed,
We feed off of whats wrong,
What we have yet to correct...
We are bonded,
We are bonded by love...
We are bonded by what we think is more than negativity,
But ends up being love...
Being looked after...
Being cared for...
We are mothers.
We are daughter.
...there is only room for misunderstanding
Copyright ©
pyrofungus
... [
2006-05-24 22:48:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Mothers and Daughters
(User Rating: 1 )
by twick on
Wednesday, 24th May 2006 @ 11:05:27 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I think the periods seem final, I think have more power. But I say if you go with the periods in the first two lines carry through in, "we feed," "we are bonded," and if you're set on they way those lines go then I'd go with commas at the beginning because it would give it better flow. There is a typo at the bottom "We are daughter," unless that's on purpose however it seems it's not. As for the title I often struggle the most there because I wan't to say what they whole things about and still try to make it sound clever. I don't think it's a bad title but maybe a little bland. It does have a hearstring kind of vibe that makes sense.
Hope this helped. |
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Re: Mothers and Daughters
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Wednesday, 24th May 2006 @ 11:05:51 PM AEST
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Well in my eyes it's perfect so please don't change a thing. If you don't get highest honers for this masterpeice of wisdom and beauty send um to me.
luv, huggs, big smiles,
emy |
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Re: Mothers and Daughters
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Thursday, 25th May 2006 @ 03:57:56 AM AEST
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I agree with Twick, the title, while appropriate, is a little bland. Try perhaps working off of another element that's present in the poem for the title.
I approve of the periods in the first and next-to-last stanzas. Comas are never good things, anyway (sorry, I couldn't post without making the spelling joke, hope you don't mind). Commas, though, can sometimes be of use.
Stanza five is worded a little awkwardly. "Smidge", for one thing, is a rather obscure word, I think if you used the more common "smidgen" it would read better. The next line is a little of a break in flow from the first, because the actual continuation of the first line is in the third. Maybe something like "yet in our thoughts/ we take not a smidgen of notice/ that it could be too much".
All in all, though, it's a nice poem. I like the layout, and that it knows where it is going. Keep it up.
Andrew |
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