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Too weak to commit it...
Contributed by
xoXOSaDiEOXox
on
Saturday, 20th May 2006 @ 12:52:38 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
She sits on the bed,
and stares.
She wonders if anyone,
actually cares.
The pills are on the table,
she can end it now.
She's anxious, she wants to,
She just doesn't know how.
She doesn't have the courage,
she thinks she's a wimp.
The city's an oversized ocean,
inwhich she's a shrimp.
And what is the point of a tiny shrimp?
They're at the bottom of the food chain.
They have no point, She's been swollowed,
She just wants to end her pain...
Copyright ©
xoXOSaDiEOXox
... [
2006-05-20 12:52:38]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Too weak to commit it...
(User Rating: 1 )
by halli on
Saturday, 20th May 2006 @ 01:33:32 PM AEST
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a Message)
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maybe u should title it lonliness or questions since basically thats what she is feeling. just because u write stuff like this does not make u a depressed person either just intune with different emotions. i write the same a lot of the time but im a happy person most times. well good write and right on the money in more ways than one thanx for sharing.
~halli |
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Re: Too weak to commit it...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lilbabe on
Saturday, 20th May 2006 @ 06:42:24 PM AEST
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great write...unsure about the title thing though!
lexy |
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Re: Too weak to commit it...
(User Rating: 1 )
by drtylilsecret on
Sunday, 21st May 2006 @ 05:04:41 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| i dont' mean to critique, but this poem lacks heart in my opinion and that's probably because, like you said before the poem, you don't really feel like that. poetry's good when you really mean what you write and......well anyway. |
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Re: Too weak to commit it...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Butterat_Zool on
Thursday, 22nd February 2007 @ 03:06:23 PM AEST
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a Message)
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This is a good start, but your poem needs details. Right now, i don't really feel any connection to this girl. I have no idea why she wants to die, why she feels bad, why or how she's "been swallowed" and so on. I never really liked suicide poetry, even though i've written a couple myself... it's too easy to be sappy or sentimental when you write about someone wallowing in their own sorrow.
Really though, with some details and imagery, i could see this frame working out well. Keep at it.
BZ. |
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