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-No Title-

Contributed by DamentedSuicide on Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 10:35:38 AM in AEST
Topic: oops

Constantly dreaming of a day like this
Feelings like heavenly bliss

Never believing in me
All that i thought never to see

Drowning in a lifeless abyss
Its easy to miss the essence of happieness

To many dark days
contorting thoughts in its own way

As lifeless as i am
you are the one that came

Opening my eyes
And erasing all those lies

Holding me tight
You wouldnt give up the fight

I thought my heart to be dead
Heavy and broken i said

Hands around me tightly you pulled
You coundlt be easily fooled

Like a spell that had been broken
My heart was awoken

In your arms to this day
Is right where my heart lays

And now a kiss and an I love you
With this ring i will say I do

Copyright © DamentedSuicide ... [ 2006-05-05 10:35:38]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: -No Title- (User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 01:56:19 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I think this definitely got better toward the end. I think it could do with a little help on meter. Some of the lines are a little shorter than others, for example, the second line could have done with being a little longer, to match the first, and so one.

You also could do with a spell check.

I do like the style and structure of this, it works pretty well.

Phyllis xxx

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