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Pimple
Contributed by
Aeris030388
on
Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 10:04:07 AM in AEST
Topic:
HumorPoetry
|
The pimple on my cheeck is the thorn in my side.
It stabs my social life and causes me my face to hide.
A knife in the back would be a Heaven-sent
compared to this blemish, I wish my life was spent.
It spawns like a virus,
first one, then three, then nine,
I pray my boyfriend to fall blind!
It doubles the nervousness of the first date
and multiplies the awkwardness of the first kiss
the docter says it will dissapear if I wait.
This blemish on my face is like a scar on my soul,
when it dies it shall form a hole.
I hate you, Pimple. May your life be short!
May you go out with a POP and give me back my dignity.
I hate you, Pimple. May your life be short!
Copyright ©
Aeris030388
... [
2006-05-05 10:04:07]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Pimple
(User Rating: 1 )
by Aeris030388 on
Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 10:18:50 AM AEST
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| Comments and constructive critisism are always welcome :-) |
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Re: Pimple
(User Rating: 1 )
by kaitee on
Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 10:49:28 AM AEST
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i laughed reading this........but its very true..lol
~Kaitee |
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Re: Pimple
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 02:06:15 PM AEST
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Honestly, I'm not sure about this.
You need to spell check before you post, for certain. I'm not sure of some of your rhymes, either. Some of them seem as if you couldn't think of anything else to put, so you sort of bent it round to fit, but you need to make sure your next stanza also fits with it. Stanza two is a bit like this.
I also think the second line of the two seperate lines is a little forced. The first line is good enough, the second is another one of those lines that is bent to fit.
I like how you changed the rhyme in the middle.
The repetetiveness at the end works pretty well. It puts the point across well in the conclusion.
Sorry, I hope I don't offend you, but that is my honest opinion.
Phyllis xxx |
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Re: Pimple
(User Rating: 1 )
by Drapes on
Monday, 15th May 2006 @ 07:43:10 PM AEST
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Hmmm I know what you mean about the pimple! lol good job!
-Drapes |
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