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Smile
Contributed by
The_Young_Poet
on
Thursday, 4th May 2006 @ 10:02:56 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Don't you see me smiling
At you in the halls
Even if I fall
Still smiling for you
My heart still racing for you
no matter what you do
Either flashing your smile
or furrowing your eyebrows when you're mad
or frowning when you're sad
still smiling for you
When i smile at you
it seems you don't have a clue
when you're smiling back at me
that i'm trying to show affection
not seduction
but my affection
i'm not like the other girls
i want you for you
So when you see me smiling
i'm not lying when i say
i'm dying for that return smile
Copyright ©
The_Young_Poet
... [
2006-05-04 22:02:56]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Smile
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 03:12:02 PM AEST
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a Message)
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This is a very sweet post. It seems very honest, and I think it's because it's so simple. It just says exactly what it should say.
A lovely write.
I do think you need to capitalise a little more though.
Phyllis xxx |
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Re: Smile
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 6th May 2006 @ 02:33:05 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Really heartfelt and sincere presentation of thought. Sometimes the substance of a poem is emphasized by line thought, which you've done, but maybe haven't taken advantage of your strategic rhyming, like this,
"So when you see me
smiling
I'm not lying
when I say
I'm dying
for that return smile"
You seemed to do this in
"not seduction
but my affection"
Your words work really great in a very sweet and honest poem, but play around with placement and structure of it to kinda gently guide the reader's pattern of thought processing.
"Either flashing
your smile
or furrowing
your eyebrows when you're mad
or frowning
when you're sad
still smiling
at you."
Welcome to YPDC. You'll find friends here, supportive, encouraging and sensitive (most the time). I enjoyed enjoying your two posts. Play around with this placement thing, it might make this poem dance so's somebody notices ya want to.
wabl
KenMoore
cowboy |
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Re: Smile
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on
Sunday, 7th May 2006 @ 01:22:04 AM AEST
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a Message)
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A very nicely written piece.
I enjoy it alot. |
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