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The Coffin of Us
Contributed by
little_genna
on
Thursday, 27th April 2006 @ 03:22:12 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Do you see what you're doing?
Can you feel my hurting?
How can you love me?
But not want us to be?
You have a fear of committing,
So I must hammer the nails into our coffin.
Do you see our relationship dying?
I hit the nails so hard I'm crying.
Is it dark inside?
Do you feel left behind?
I lay upon the lid,
Did you hear what I said?
I can no longer wait,
You are going to have to fear its too late.
How loud do my tears sound to you?
Can you hear me breathe too?
Nail by nail,
Our relationship fails.
The flame burns deep,
Now its time for it to take an eternal sleep.
How many nails can this coffin take?
Before our friendship will break.
Will the flame burn us to ashes?
Will my tears cause splashes?
Oh there goes another nail,
My face starts to pale.
Do I feel more distant?
Do you hear me begin to pant?
There you go hitting another nail into me,
Do you see the blood trickling from me?
Have I become the coffin?
When is this going to be stopping?
DP
Copyright ©
little_genna
... [
2006-04-27 03:22:12]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Coffin of Us
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Thursday, 27th April 2006 @ 09:37:06 AM AEST
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| This is sad but the truth is that you need to let go even though that is a tough fact to face. It would be tough for me too if i were in a situation like that. |
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Re: The Coffin of Us
(User Rating: 1 )
by randumbchit on
Thursday, 27th April 2006 @ 10:36:57 AM AEST
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| i have been there so many times but havent we all |
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Re: The Coffin of Us
(User Rating: 1 )
by gmcse8 on
Thursday, 27th April 2006 @ 11:03:48 AM AEST
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Hummmm, where to start. I know where this comes from so I am going to try to carefully stay away from that part and just talk about the poem itself. First the title. I love good titles, and I smiled when I read this one. By the way I have been using that every since you first said it to me. The coffin of his day, the coffin of his job, the coffin of his lunch, etc. Anyway the second I read it I knew I was in for a ride. First stanza was a near perfect setup for what was to follow. All the questions the person in the poem asked before putting the nails in. The writer not satsified with the answers to her first stanza questions begins to nail the lid down in the second stanza. I can see her sitting astride the lid, tears streaming, hammering. It is a very visual stanza. Very easy to conjure an image from the words. The third stanz is all "How do you like them apples now" sort of thing, at least to me as I read it. Sort of saying you caused this, How do you like what you have wrought now? Fourth stanza is almost like part of something Poe may have written. The sound of the teardrops hitting the lid, hearing breathing from within and without. Chilling a little. The fifth stanza...... almost expect it to end there, there is a finality to it. it could too, but it doesn't. Did not like stanz six at all. Sorry just didn't. Saw no reason for it. I think, opinion only, it is fine without it. Read it once and skip that one and see how it reads. The seventh one sits up the next one nicely, I read along smoothly until there and then paused because i detected a different tone to what I was reading. Nice transition. Then that wonderful twist in the 8th stanza. Wow. I smiled big when I read that. Nicely done. All of a sudden the writer is a the coffin. Did not see that coming, made it more delightful. Not just nailing shut a coffin on someone, but nailing a coffin shut on herself too. Just to good. and the last line, evokes an image of someone nailing forever or seemingly forever. Just lots of cudos Princess. Thanks for sharing us with the rest of us.
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Re: The Coffin of Us
(User Rating: 1 )
by jess_mac on
Thursday, 27th April 2006 @ 11:26:13 PM AEST
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| Loved it! Good reference to the coffin & nails throughout the whole poem. |
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Re: The Coffin of Us
(User Rating: 1 )
by Asthenia on
Thursday, 16th August 2007 @ 10:11:30 AM AEST
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This was a very creative write about a very painful situation. I know it's hard to let go and say goodbye, but sometimes you have to try...sometimes you need to just take the ashes from the past and throw them to wind so you'll be able to move on without so much pain.
This was very well written, I hope things work out and there will be no more nails |
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