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Why Am I So Useless?
Contributed by
PGreene
on
Monday, 24th April 2006 @ 01:21:51 AM in AEST
Topic:
Grief
|
Why am I so powerless?
Why am I so useless?
My love is in deep pain and I am not with her.
We are so close to eachother,
And yet I can't see her.
She's on the other side of the glass..
This glass I think, should show her to me,
But I know that's not her.
That can't be her.
It is..
I wish I just could hold her...
I wish I could just make her laugh..
Then she'd be happy..
Then I'd be happy..
Instead she's alone in this cold box they call a room.
She's on this board they call a bed crying,
And a shadow around me is her presence..
A shadow around her is despair..
I've never felt so alone watching her..
And yet I wasn't alone,
She was.
I tried to imagine what she was feeling,
And what I felt was a bottomless pit sucking away my soul.
Then I cried.
"Why am I so useless?!" I asked myself again.
Why am I so useless...
~Phil Greene, III
Copyright ©
PGreene
... [
2006-04-24 01:21:51]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Why Am I So Useless?
(User Rating: 1 )
by TheSpiritx on
Saturday, 29th April 2006 @ 04:34:19 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I have good and bad comments about this one. :)
The Good:
- You have a moderately structured free poem.
You are playing with repetition
- The basic meaning of the poem (the concept underlying the action) is clear
The Bad:
- It gets muddled in the middle stanza with the opening line not matching the grammatical structure of the second and continuing to the next few lines where the repetition feels a little forced (the part about you two being happy). You could touch up the second line (about you being happy) by adding ", too" at the end, which would break the repetition a little and also add a partial rhyme with the next line's ending word "room."
- I felt a bit confused about the idea of the shadows, but I think it is something you might want to keep in the back of your mind to use in another way or another poem
The commentary:
Overall, it's an interesting concept that would benefit from a more in-depth presentation - more content behind the primary ideas and slight clarification of some of the imagery.
TS |
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Re: Why Am I So Useless?
(User Rating: 1 )
by sensible_paper on
Friday, 9th November 2007 @ 11:52:24 AM AEST
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| There's alot of imagery here but it's not very clear, but that is good because then it allows your readers to use their imagination good job |
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