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Perfect Vision: A curse?
Contributed by
PGreene
on
Saturday, 22nd April 2006 @ 01:39:06 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
I hate these eyes of mine!
I wish I could rip them out of my head or at least lose this crystal clear focus.
That’s what everyone wants these days: focus.
But with this unnatural clarity, I see too clearly.
I see every little mistake and I despise myself for it.
I know perfection is only a perception of our eyes,
But I want ignorance and bliss so I can finish my work.
I have so many ideas that never survive.
They are cut down in their prime by this razor sharp glass.
And I am killing myself...
I am killing my ideas and my passion!
My soul is lost in a hole so deep, no light penetrates.
But I have one guiding light and inspiration:
Love.
Given and received but never selfishly stolen.
This compromise of two souls intertwined is my light in Hell.
And I love my eyes for that.
For letting me see my love.
For letting me finally see perfection.
I can look upon her soul and for once, I see no blemishes.
She allows me to see my eyes as a gift, and not a curse.
She stays my clawing hands and brings peace to me.
So I can finally close my eyes...and sleep.
~Phil Greene, III
Copyright ©
PGreene
... [
2006-04-22 01:39:06]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Perfect Vision: A curse?
(User Rating: 1 )
by wizard on
Saturday, 22nd April 2006 @ 09:28:33 AM AEST
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interesting write.. i enjoyed it.
wiz |
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Re: Perfect Vision: A curse?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Brasco on
Saturday, 22nd April 2006 @ 01:42:21 PM AEST
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| Great perspective, brilliant! |
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Re: Perfect Vision: A curse?
(User Rating: 1 )
by TheSpiritx on
Saturday, 29th April 2006 @ 04:25:16 PM AEST
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The free style is best suited for this content.
And the content itself is pretty good. You may want to aim at personalizing it a bit more, but at no fault of your own - a lot of people write things quite similar to this, so when you reach down into your feelings about the matter at hand, you add a touch of yourself to it that, I think, helps the poem. If you're concerned about doing that for fear of making it less universal in application, your poems are yours alone and they will find an audience if they have an opportunity.
Word choice was a plus, but you may want to tweak a few things here and there. clear and clarity are derived from the same word base and, in my experience (remember, you should keep your own style, I am only providing suggestions), they don't tend to work out so close together.
"I know perfection is only a perception of our eyes," is a good like... it has what's called internal rhyme, meaning that perception and perfection complete a rhyme there. You should consider using that a little bit in poems of this style, but be careful not to overuse it!
Another thing to consider is that a poem is just as significant in what it doesn't say as what it does. Spacing in a poem can be the difference between a good one and a bad one, so remember that structure has an impact on poetry.
:) TS |
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Re: Perfect Vision: A curse?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Socks on
Friday, 30th June 2006 @ 06:16:08 PM AEST
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There are so many times which I wish I could have been ignorant. Life would have been so much more interesting.
I liked the first part of your poem the best and my favourite lines were:
"And I am killing myself..."
"And I love my eyes for that" |
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