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Written
Contributed by
twick
on
Monday, 10th April 2006 @ 12:09:09 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Been reading beautiful words
copious phrases that let me know
I'm whole
Yet I am saddened by the blank pages
of my notebook.
Been wondering why the words
can't come from me and I find
I am hollow.
But the deadlines and the dates take center stage.
Been waiting for the next wave
My muse went on vacation.
I hold the pen with a heavy hand
I cannot stop and put it down
(I've tried)
Ink splotches stain the page
The words live in those black holes
and I am desperate to follow
I need no encouragement what's keeping me here?
I know my best friend is in there somewhere.
Copyright ©
twick
... [
2006-04-10 00:09:09]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Written
(User Rating: 1 )
by dayslong on
Monday, 10th April 2006 @ 01:19:11 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I have felt this way so many times and you portray that feeling well here. "I hold the pen with a heavy hand
I cannot stop and put it down
(I've tried)
Ink splotches stain the page
The words live in those black holes"- The picture you paint of desperation here is outstanding. Nice going, I really enjoyed this a lot.
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Re: Written
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Monday, 10th April 2006 @ 05:24:44 AM AEST
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Ouch. I hope you find your way out of this one soon. It's no fun, no fun at all.
Well spoken though. You'll make it.
Andrew |
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Re: Written
(User Rating: 1 )
by Shmokin on
Wednesday, 12th April 2006 @ 11:48:27 AM AEST
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Good write, captures the frustration when Madam Muse goes on her bliddy impromptu holidays and buggas off leavin ya holdin the pen!!
well done :-)
thanx for commenting on my work :-) |
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Re: Written
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Saturday, 22nd April 2006 @ 09:21:54 PM AEST
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good write all in all. i do think you need to work on some of your punctuation in this. some of the lines seem to need commas or periods, else it seems like a run-on or a jumbled sentence, like this, "I need no encouragement what's keeping me here?" i, for one, stumbled over this part and it seemed detrimental to the piece. for poetry to be recited well there needs to be lots of punctuation but effectively placed, else the speaker dies at the platform without breathing, and it seems like such a long verse. also adds some drama to the piece.
if you want to set yourself apart from others, then some ways you can do this is by unique punctuation, formats, word-usage, style, tones, etc. e.e. cummings never capitalized a thing and had some poems without any punctuation at all, yet there was not a need for that punctuation. he was also excellent in rhymes and rhythm. that type of style set him apart. what sets you apart?
another way to set yourself apart is originality, which you have. you can develop it more so its more of a focal point in your poem. some nice tidbits of originality..."My muse went on vacation." "The words live in those black holes
and I am desperate to follow" "I know my best friend is in there somewhere." nothing in this was groundbreakingly good except your ending because it was such a good twist and it was original. an ending can create a masterpiece or destroy one. your endings should have the capability of making a reader that wasnt really into the poem itself like the poem if its a good ending. the ending is usually the last thing to be remembered after all. this ending made the poem better as a whole.
in your lines speaking of holding a pen and not being able to stop etc, not being able to stop what? and the ive tried line. this part just doesnt make much sense because its not very clear, while the rest of the poem is clear...so the lines seem out of place.
the beginning line needs a subject in my opinion. just seems sort of incomplete without it. the stage/wave slant rhyme seems a bit cheesy. seems like this has a freestyle feel to it that i used to do by having some rhyming words scattered throughout the piece, which doesnt make the rhymes that cheesy.
im glad i didnt come across any repetition or anaphora in this. sometimes these things work for a poem, but because this poem didnt have a need to stress anything, it would have been unnecessary. i think you can bring emotion to this piece or a profound philosophical statement. to share this poem with the world it needs to have that special quality to it that makes a reader want to come back to read your work, remember the poem, or remember you. that is the one thing that sets you apart from everyone else. there wasnt really anything in this that qualifies for that in my opinion, but i think your best ticket is more of your originality.
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