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No Escape
Contributed by
Azehr
on
Wednesday, 29th March 2006 @ 04:42:19 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
When death comes knock knock knocking,
At your door,
What do you do?
Do you run away and hide?
Only to find there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
Or do you stand and fight?
Only to buy somemore painfull time.
Perhaps you just lay back?
And let death in,
Only to die a premature death.
Copyright ©
Azehr
... [
2006-03-29 04:42:19]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: No Escape
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Wednesday, 29th March 2006 @ 06:28:32 AM AEST
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The last two lines need work; the repetition of the word death isn't such a good thing, maybe keep it in the last line, but find a better way of wording it in the next-to-last?
But a strong start, to something that's not going to be readily written off. Keep at it, though. Don't lay back.
Andrew |
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Re: No Escape
(User Rating: 1 )
by Syloss on
Wednesday, 29th March 2006 @ 10:58:36 AM AEST
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| I agree with Andrew, this has so much feeling! I would love to see as much thought put into it. |
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Re: No Escape
(User Rating: 1 )
by jonquilcottage on
Friday, 31st March 2006 @ 08:42:01 AM AEST
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| I do agree with both of the comments above. It is so good to get constructive critisismn apart from your mum (me) I felt that you had in your mind what you wanted to say but in the end of the poem couldnt get it out properly. Very strong thoughts though for one so young. Congratulations darling on carrying on the family tradition of putting feelings into poetry. love mum aka jonquilcottage |
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