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Sapphire Skin
Contributed by
SpellofNature
on
Sunday, 26th March 2006 @ 09:59:21 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
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I can’t seem to collect my mind
My thoughts are running like a deer in a wood
My mind is thick with trees, swaying in the breeze
And the deer runs deep, past the willows that weep
Frozen like the winter tundra
I can taste the icy chains I collect
As I drag deeper into the bondage of desire
This march will find me perishing in a snowy fire
This blizzard is strong
The winds are wild and untamed
Like life, though not much seems different since the last
And then everything is gone, in the flicker of the hourglass
But when I die will I awake?
I’m wondering will I sink into a merciless black?
Heaven could be such a beautiful thought
But I feel in the earth we’ll stay and rot
Is it every man that ponders his life like I?
Every moment of every day I wonder
What is this fairytale that I call my life?
What is it’s point or mean to survive?
Sometimes I feel a wave of sadness cave in me
Like I’ve been banished into a rotted forest
No leaf, no green to heal me within
No cure to mend my sapphire skin
I am like a log that has been hollowed out by termites
Or the deer, hunted for a lifetime by predators
I am the deer, hiding in that hollow log
Shifting in the breeze in a tired bog
I am tired from the chase
But sleep will not cure my sorrow’s rise
And when the blue Winter trails off
And the greens come back
Then I will be healed from my frostbite
Let the warm melt my wounds
I must kill my predators to survive
Whether or not I have to sacrifice
I must kill my enemies to survive
Even if they are in the landscape of my mind
Copyright ©
SpellofNature
... [
2006-03-26 21:59:21]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Sapphire Skin
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 27th March 2006 @ 02:46:56 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Wonderful. truely
bursting imagery there!
peace |
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Re: Sapphire Skin
(User Rating: 1 )
by brew on
Monday, 27th March 2006 @ 08:52:15 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Pondering on life and such..... Very vivid post, with images swirling, and churning. Like the write alot. Gave the reader something to think on, which I beleive we all do from time to time.! thanks
Brew~ |
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Re: Sapphire Skin
(User Rating: 1 )
by girltranscended on
Tuesday, 28th March 2006 @ 01:46:25 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Excellent write, some fav lines are:
my mind is thick with trees
shifting in the breeze in a tired bog
no cure to mend my sapphire skin (great line but does not relate to anything else in poem - tie in this line and title)
suggestions:
- (the end of line 8) "... in a snowy fire" doesn't seem right.
- replace the double uses of rot and breeze
- in line 14 I hear "merciless black lake"
- remove I am like a log
I really like the change from winter/ice to warm and the reference to March (meaning to me the bringing about of Spring). Along that I line I would caution the reference to frostbite at the end - should be warm in tone by then.
I also like how you've carried through the deer theme/idea, very important, but to that the end, about having to kill, is not very deer like. If your thoughts run deep, like a deer in the wood, couldn't thought alone save you? In the middle you are still wondering, pondering, you talk about a cure (twice), getting tired, the changing of seasons, to me this all builds up to a realization, that may have been there all along. Keep inward.
And please don't think I'm tearing this apart, it's excellent! Has awesome, awesome bones and could be a really phenomenal piece with maybe a little more work. Keep it up I'd love to read more!! |
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