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Just A Mistake
Contributed by
Drapes
on
Friday, 24th March 2006 @ 10:17:20 PM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
She stands alone,
Envies from afar,
A friendship she used to cherish,
That's now been torn apart.
She stands alone,
Admiring the guy of her dreams.
But he only knows her name,
And could care less, it seems.
She stands alone,
Mind running a race.
Pressure building up inside,
But a smile on her face.
She stands alone,
Crying crimson tears.
Her scarred and torn up arms
Haven't been clean in years.
She stands alone,
Doesn't like to eat.
Not in front of people,
Although it makes her weak.
She stands alone,
Silently screaming for help.
Or just a little attention.
Such nasty cards she's been dealt.
She stands alone,
Tired of being forgot.
She pulls out a braided rope,
And ties a sturdy knot.
She stands alone,
And slips on her newest fashion.
A necklace of coarse brown straw,
That's been tightly woven.
She stands alone,
Writing a note to Dad.
Then she gives the rope a yank,
A beautiful girl gone bad.
She hangs alone,
A bold decision to make.
But this is the best solution,
For her life was just a mistake.
Copyright ©
Drapes
... [
2006-03-24 22:17:20]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Just A Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by moses on
Friday, 24th March 2006 @ 10:36:01 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Wowwww....woowwww.
speechless...such an amazing poem! Props, 5 stars, what a powerful piece of work. I really really felt this one, I've been meaning to write something like this too, but you did it much better than I ever would've.
I could go on and on, I can't even pick my favorite part cuz I'd just paste the whole poem back.
Well done..No wait..Very well done,
-moses |
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Re: Just A Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Friday, 24th March 2006 @ 10:46:57 PM AEST
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| i think this is a good poem. i think it did lack a lot of originality in the beginning, but you did make up for it as you went throughout the poem and made an excellent ending. as you have been able to probably tell, i hate repetition of any kind, but i do like how you changed up the beginning line of the last stanza. creative, and put that format to use. many poems dont, and use repetition as a way to keep the write somewhat on topic and to make it seem more together than just ramblings. some of the good things i noticed in this was your use of "nasty" when refering to the cards. i think that was a good word to use because one never really hears it used in poetry, much less with that cliche. an original use of an adjective. "havent been cleaned in years". original line, and gives the reader some mind games to play with how many years and some will think of cleanliness is next to godliness and cleaness is like purity, etc. another good adjective "sturdy". most suicide poems rarely use adjectives when they actually describe the rope involved. they describe knives, blades, guns, but never the rope really. the newest fashion idea excellent one. the use of calling her a beautiful (inside/outside) girl makes the reader think "well, wow, a beautiful girl she deserved to live she had something to live for" and that leads to sympathy, as does a lot of the concepts in here since they are general and people can identify with them. then the ending is like, well even though she was beautiful, she was a mistake and deserved to die. a bit of irony with some word play. i think this poem has a lot of good things in it, and you let your originality and talent show. after all, with originality and talent like that, what else would the reader want? |
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Re: Just A Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 25th March 2006 @ 12:41:59 AM AEST
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| Excellent write. Its like you were speaking right through me. |
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Re: Just A Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 25th March 2006 @ 02:28:03 PM AEST
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Heartwrenching, sad and yet wonderfully written. This is poem gets better from one verse to the next,
LG |
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Re: Just A Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by BrokenXbyManyX on
Saturday, 6th May 2006 @ 09:33:46 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Woooow, niiCe. I know just how that gurl can feel. Seems sad, but yet hits home for just about everyone.
Good job!
L8ter.
Lauren ;) |
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