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what picture do I keep?

Contributed by drewgreeno on Friday, 24th March 2006 @ 10:08:53 AM in AEST
Topic: Grief

what picture do I keep?
is it the back seat rider
quiet in loud thought
staring out the window
waiting for the rain
waiting for the noise of season
the sun staring at her hair
jealous of its music

what picture do I keep?
is it the dumb little girl
screaming and laughing and being
the little girl
tripping over her dolls
tipping and toeing
wanting more
than the cruel hand of that
old boy, above her, blackening
her white skin
stabbing her beyond wound
beyond tear

what picture do I keep?
is it that tight hospital floor
following my mother to her mother
to her last bed room
to the table that held her last pillow
that felt her last breath
standing above her
unsure if I wanted
that machine keeping her
her mother joking
about her head shaven
her hand was dead
and I spoke to her in death
I asked her to leave
I asked her to rest
holding that hand that was now that infant’s
I asked her to leave for me
if anything else

what picture do I keep?
of her house full of
cousins and teachers
she never knew
who never knew her before her
end, who never knew her
before the bed, before her rest
before her silence
the listeners finally listened
when she could no longer speak
no longer shine her own hair
she took wig and sewn lips to bed

what picture do I keep?
of that night the rain did come
over fast roads and flat tires
her arms holding that newborn
her body covering that newborn
as the car covered her
she didn’t leave without that last act
I wanted the baby dead
I wanted her to cry and tell me
she couldn’t hold onto it
that she wanted that front seat
that she didn’t want this rain after all
just as I didn’t want her to leave

what picture do I keep?
plastic bouquets with no stone tomb
her grass keeping growth
but I can’t keep my mind
on her picture on my shelf
because I never knew her without bangs
never knew her with smiles on paper
only dolls and giggles and back seat
gossip

I know she wanted that hospital
she needed the machine unplugged
I know what she got for Christmas that year
would have brought those giggles back

//Ae

April 1994

© 1994

Copyright Â© drewgreeno ... [ 2006-03-24 10:08:53]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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