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i dont need you

Contributed by Hannah_Heaven on Sunday, 19th March 2006 @ 08:45:24 AM in AEST
Topic: InspirationalPoems

***** off
i dont need you
all this time i felt so hollow inside
i dont need you to make me feel complete
when so many parts of me are missing
when so little is left
how can you make it worse
you cant take what i haven't got
i can smell your lies
hunting you
your heart pounding
the fresh scent scatters
like sins they lay
on the soft ground
of my mind
i dont need you
to make me feel complete
when you already took so much
there's nothing left..

Copyright © Hannah_Heaven ... [ 2006-03-19 08:45:24]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: i dont need you (User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on Sunday, 19th March 2006 @ 09:36:29 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

This may seem an affront to your taste...but are you going through this personally at the moment? I never will.

As far as the poetry goes, I'm sure you'l get somewhere if you keep writing; the refrain of sorts, "I don't need you/to make me feel complete" did echo a bit, as you probably intended, but its effect felt like it could be done somewhat more powerfully; do we get to know anymore about the narrator? A heartbreak over the phone, perhaps, or tidbits of what could have been? Just a few thoughts. And don't attack me for seeming a bit put-off by your work--I'm sure you'll do better and better as time goes on.

Just commenting as you've requested,
The Palatine Poet, Eternity's Lyre

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