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Looking From The Outside In
Contributed by
Babybluey
on
Tuesday, 7th March 2006 @ 12:51:14 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
You see a smiling face, a crinkle in my eyes
You see an eased brow, not knowing there lies
The truth of that night.
You see a grin bearing a mouth of pearly whites
You see a complexion bright
With shame that burns from the past light.
You hear a laugh jolly as ever
You hear words clever
Enough to hide the pain inside.
You smell the perfume sweet
You smell the whiff of maltreat
That caused my gaze glass-eyed
LOOK! into my world, it’s decrepit
Walls abating into forthcoming deadness
Four it might soon ends in a puddle of fog!
Three times two many
Is enough for any
One to bear, for beware,
This is yet just my prologue.
Copyright ©
Babybluey
... [
2006-03-07 00:51:14]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Looking From The Outside In
(User Rating: 1 )
by twick on
Tuesday, 7th March 2006 @ 05:21:26 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| The last two stanzas surprised me. I wasn't expecting it. In fact it doesn't sound like it goes. The beginning has a lot of "you"s giving it this rhythm. Almost monotone. And then you try to change pace with "Look!" but then it takes on this whole other form like you borrowed confidence from somewhere else. At first it seems very unassuming and then its like you issue a warning. I think this has the makings of great piece but I feel it lacks your voice. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I think you have potential. Good Luck and keep writing more. |
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Re: Looking From The Outside In
(User Rating: 1 )
by twick on
Tuesday, 7th March 2006 @ 05:23:26 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| The last two stanzas surprised me. I wasn't expecting it. In fact it doesn't sound like it goes. The beginning has a lot of "you"s giving it this rhythm. Almost monotone. And then you try to change pace with "Look!" but then it takes on this whole other form like you borrowed confidence from somewhere else. At first it seems very unassuming and then its like you issue a warning. I think this has the makings of great piece but I feel it lacks your voice. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I think you have potential. Good Luck and keep writing more. |
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Re: Looking From The Outside In
(User Rating: 1 )
by trini on
Tuesday, 7th March 2006 @ 08:53:00 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
I really like this i agree with the first posted comment. The ending was very unexpected. but extremely appreciated.
It caught me offgurad and spiced up the poem.
i really enjoyed reading this, refreshing and newly written.
keep up the great work
-trini |
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