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LOVE IS SUICIDE
Contributed by
Forgotten_soul
on
Thursday, 9th February 2006 @ 06:03:17 PM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
I hold the gun up to my head, I hear everything you said, I finger the hold, its all in spite,
my only freedom on this lonely night, I press the trigger gently, scream your name once more, I left a note, its hanging on the door, I am home, in the end, love is suicide, and now Im dead.
Copyright ©
Forgotten_soul
... [
2006-02-09 18:03:17]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: LOVE IS SUICIDE
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 9th February 2006 @ 09:11:54 PM AEST
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a Message)
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now that i think about it - love is suicide. it hurts when it's over...god how i hate heartbreak. but guys are never, ever worth it. not worth your tears, pain, or blood. no use pulling the trigger
lovely poem
- Bethani - |
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Re: LOVE IS SUICIDE
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Thursday, 9th February 2006 @ 09:56:58 PM AEST
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| hrm, sort of similar to juliet and othello in a way. what irked me about this is the description says its about a girl, and then in your poem its in first person. i think using stanzas would have been useful in this to add some suspense. also having such an obvious poem with a tell all description sort of kills the suspense and "painful" ending. if this was supposed to be felt, the description and the fact that it was all just sort of one sentence with one separation in line just made this sort of ramble off into nothing to feel. having such simple declarative sentences made this seem so overly dramatic. all those commas werent necessary and just seem to make this incoherent. also having an ending like "and now im dead" just leads to the reader to think the entire poem was a complete dramatized version and very untrue. using phrases like "my only freedom" also dramatizes things, because obviously you have the option to shoot the guy or just move on without killing yourself. so your concept is good, but making this so shakespearian just killed the idea of it. as montano said in othello, "i have been hurt to the death" (faints). and as for a conceptual opposite-if the love was so great, than it would have lasted--simple as that. |
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