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Plastic You
Contributed by
weepingprophet
on
Wednesday, 8th February 2006 @ 01:26:48 AM in AEST
Topic:
dedicatedpoems
|
layers of us fall silent
the still hush of lies
we've undressed the best
rid the womb of disguise
your taste fresh in my mouth
bitter and rotting, sour
endless, relentless abyss
dreading the final hour
how many times must i touch you
until satisfaction i find?
my fingers knowing you're plastic
but continuing to decieve my mind
let the passion take flame
your plastic lies revealed
melt away all you defame
free all the pain concealed
bitter i taste you still
unable to release my regret
silently growing the will
my soul so endlessly beset
layers of you fall silent
the still hush of you, lies
the pain that i taste
is such a disgrace
how many times must i touch you
until satisfaction i find?
my fingers knowing you're plastic
but continuing to decieve my mind
Copyright ©
weepingprophet
... [
2006-02-08 01:26:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Plastic You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 8th February 2006 @ 04:14:51 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Because I see a tremendous talent here in your words and for the most part I was captivated by this poem I am going to break down two problems I have with it, in order to hopefully get you to be a little more patient with your pen.
First of all giving away the last stanza as a comment is not a good idea at all. As a reader we work for the final stanza. Here you give it away. I know this is not a comment on your poem itself, but with the way this site is set up it made me a little disappointment with the finality. Also, giving us a taste of your poem with a line, couplet, or a stanza is all in all good salesmanship. It may draw some more readers who might otherwise not click on the poem, but it really de lines the poem. With your talent I would not suggest doing this again.
We (the reader) should come in complain unknowing of the poem itself. if we tend to ignore the poem and not click on it, that is our loss.
The other problem is one uncomfortable couplet in a stanza that began as your most powerful in the poem. (seen below)
"Layers of you fall silent
the still hush of you, lies" (powerful beginning for a stanza!)
"The pain that I taste
is such a disgrace." - destroys the stanza's power and I think your pintail intention. It is a skip in the flow of this otherwise flawless poem. But it is what makes this poem from a borderline 4 or 5 star poem to a solid 3.
I am not a professional critic. I do not consider myself a great poet. This poem, however seemed to scream for patience. Another minute or two on this poem would have made it a fantastic write. Rushing through it (as I feel you did) makes it simply good.
I do, however see enormous talent here so please take this criticism constructively not spitefully. I have read some more of your stuff and there is an exceptional talent in your hand. I just think here the hand wrote faster than the soul.
Good write!
- SCM |
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Re: Plastic You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Hatchetman on
Wednesday, 8th February 2006 @ 06:26:13 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Very good write...This poem makes me think of a relationship I had in the past...Any poem that makes u relate to something personally is a good one by me...Keep up the great writing...
~Ryan~ |
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Re: Plastic You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Elisabeth on
Tuesday, 26th September 2006 @ 12:25:53 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| We're all just human, right? I like this one. |
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