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The Feeling
Contributed by
reecy
on
Saturday, 28th January 2006 @ 11:14:49 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
You watched it crawl inside you,
You felt it twist and writhe
You could not hide
The filthy feeling that was filling your inside
The monstrosity of guilt
That started from your brain
Was feeding off your organs
And love was turned to pain
So ruthlessly morbid
No space for it within
Its vileness breathtaking
This putrid ghastly thing
So bizarre to feel this way
The fear expands every day
That I might have to stay this way
I sit and wish my life away
Stopping a minute it was clear to me
My mind had parted, as did the sea
With angels standing next to me
Only then I could diagnose a cure
The emotion I hadn’t felt before
This festering disease
Came deep from down inside me
Spreading like branches of a tree
A blackness that was spilling like ink from a pen
Re-birth your seeds and sow your land
Fulfill your dreams and stand your ground
Stamp this feeling back in the ground
And pretend you never heard a sound
Copyright ©
reecy
... [
2006-01-28 11:14:49] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Feeling
(User Rating: 1 ) by TheSpiritx on
Saturday, 28th January 2006 @ 12:25:43 PM AEST (User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Hey, reecy.
I approached this poem from two angles. The first was with attention on the poetic style of it - the form - and it started to flow after the first stanza and hit some bumps when line syllables got a bit jumped in the middle.
The single line there about the blackness spilling was a nice summary touch and fit well. (I have a thing for single lines in effective spots)
Then I approached with a focus on the content and cast form aside. From this perspective, the poem is pretty good. The imagery is present at certain areas - the blackness, the seeds and land, etc. and the message comes across, even if the reader is left unaware of what *precisely* the emotion is.
Your content is great. If you set this poem aside for a month or so and took a look at form after that month, revising it to fit a rhyming scheme, that would strengthen this poem and make it even better.
Good job and thanks for posting. :)
TSX |
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