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home with you

Contributed by goofy_devil on Saturday, 21st January 2006 @ 01:45:48 AM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

Break my soul
Beat me
Leave me for dead and cold
Even that torcher can't phase me

Open your eyes
This may come to be a surprise
The physical is broken
So is this thing I am token

Pain comes
Burn me in the sun
Lavish your sins in fun

For nothing can feel
I can only cry
I fill my body with steel
See through my eyes

Call me Goofy or just plain crazy
But my heart and home is with you

My dearest Goofette, Stacy

Copyright © goofy_devil ... [ 2006-01-21 01:45:48]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: home with you (User Rating: 1 )
by that_guy on Saturday, 21st January 2006 @ 02:24:18 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I find the poem somewhat inconsistent and not as strong as it could be. I dont understand "So is this think i am token" it sounds awkward. If you wanted to juxtapose outer pain with inner love, it could be stronger; "even that torcher can't phase me" doesnt sound too moving. Neither does "Burn me in the sun" it sounds too simple.

Just my perspective, i dont mean to be rude.

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