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home with you
Contributed by
goofy_devil
on
Saturday, 21st January 2006 @ 01:45:48 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Break my soul
Beat me
Leave me for dead and cold
Even that torcher can't phase me
Open your eyes
This may come to be a surprise
The physical is broken
So is this thing I am token
Pain comes
Burn me in the sun
Lavish your sins in fun
For nothing can feel
I can only cry
I fill my body with steel
See through my eyes
Call me Goofy or just plain crazy
But my heart and home is with you
My dearest Goofette, Stacy
Copyright ©
goofy_devil
... [
2006-01-21 01:45:48] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: home with you
(User Rating: 1 ) by that_guy on
Saturday, 21st January 2006 @ 02:24:18 AM AEST (User
Info | Send
a Message)
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I find the poem somewhat inconsistent and not as strong as it could be. I dont understand "So is this think i am token" it sounds awkward. If you wanted to juxtapose outer pain with inner love, it could be stronger; "even that torcher can't phase me" doesnt sound too moving. Neither does "Burn me in the sun" it sounds too simple.
Just my perspective, i dont mean to be rude. |
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