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The Condition Or Quality Of Being Human
Contributed by
Cynic
on
Thursday, 29th December 2005 @ 10:37:45 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
Today, the sun
is a few minutes behind,
as I sleep with my bottle,
and squander birdsong.
Dreaming of a moonlight rendezvous,
a night time confluence,
where I weave you a promise,
and we forgive and forget,
until a lazy sunrise dresses,
and I wake with my bottle,
thankful for another day,
where I lie at the foot of my bed,
and remember your smile.
Today, the sun
is a few minutes behind,
as I drink from my bottle,
and squander birdsong.
Copyright ©
Cynic
... [
2005-12-29 22:37:45]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Condition Or Quality Of Being Human
(User Rating: 1 )
by subgenius on
Friday, 30th December 2005 @ 04:26:38 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Being the alcoholic I am, I would say this perfectly describes a hangover. But, I'm pretty sure that's not what you were going for, haha. Nice job. |
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Re: The Condition Or Quality Of Being Human
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Friday, 30th December 2005 @ 12:44:17 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Wow... I like this an awful lot. It has a weight to it that I find appealing... it's that heaviness, I think, that draws me in.
I like the repetition of the first stanza at the end of the piece very much. It works (and, truly, I'd say it doesn't always - but it does here). You may disregard this next bit as you see fit, consider it just my pondering of the piece - but I'm inclined to suggest some minor tweaking of the last two lines in the middle stanza to read, perhaps, as "to lie at the foot of my bed/remembering your smile". (If your wondering, it was the "where" at the beginning of the second to last line that seemed a tad off to me --- my initial thought was that it should be a "when"... but 'when' didn't seem quite right either).
Hoping you don't mind my rambling here and reiterating again that I very much enjoyed this piece,
~Snemmy |
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