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~Leaf in the wind~

Contributed by TheDarkSamurai on Wednesday, 23rd November 2005 @ 02:55:25 AM in AEST
Topic: Lifepoems

An empty street lined with shops,

The night still young, no ones around,

The gentle breeze striking down upon the desolate pavement,

A leaf drifts across the still air untouched by the attack from the wind,

From roof to ground the leaf flies untouched by the world around,

A nearby door opens a new wind joins in with the fight,

Other leaves join in riding the winds as they grow,

On a bench a man is sitting watching,

As he stares he realizes,

Life is just life,

Ride with it.

Copyright © TheDarkSamurai ... [ 2005-11-23 02:55:25]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: ~Leaf in the wind~ (User Rating: 1 )
by enigma on Wednesday, 23rd November 2005 @ 08:40:50 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

...I really, really, really liked the concept...it didn't seem to develop momentum, though...I wouldn't leave phrasing up to the reader...in what I write, phrasing is critical...I would have phrased the last few lines like this:

On a bench,
a man is sitting,
watching...
He stares,
he realizes,
"Life,
is just,
life..."

Ride with it.

...punctuation and attention to dynamic pauses...comma, thoughtful pause...period, dead stop...three periods, stop reading and continue only when the emotional impact of the punctuated line has settled in...these can make or break a good poem...following these when reading can turn a so, so poem into a really nice poem...

Good poem and good, thoughtful and emotional delivery...

ron...enigma

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