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why does it seem
Contributed by
shutupscared
on
Sunday, 20th November 2005 @ 11:17:59 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
why does it seem like it shouldny have turned out like this
why does it seem i should have done something
why does it seem everytime we speak i studder
and why does it seem we should still be together
i still think of you
in my dreams
i still write letters to you
knowing you wont get them
and that rose i gave you
i thought meant so much more
why does it seem that our love only still burns in me
why does it seem that you only want to be with anyone but me
was it cause i was young and stupid
cause i didnt know what i had
if i could turn back time......
i would see what it would be like right now
and why did it seem that we would never break up
why did it seem that our hearts got torn apart
even with our friendship
it dont seem enough....
all im asking is for you to give me another shot
Copyright ©
shutupscared
... [
2005-11-20 23:17:59]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: why does it seem
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 20th November 2005 @ 11:49:22 PM AEST
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| i think you might have more people actually read the poem if the description wasnt so rude. it also didnt help that this poem had no professionalism even starting with the first line having a typo and the title that has no puncuation and needs it along with capitalization (like the rest of the poem). just glancing at this, i think its too repetitive. the anaphora and same ending words sort of overpower the words themselves and become redundant. this could use some stanzas and better syntax, because using vocabulary like shot seems a bit teenagerish/childish. i think using the entire word and not shortcuts would also help with the better syntax. this needs some originality and style to make this worth reading, because this poem is like 1000 others that are posted on this site. i didnt feel any emotion in this, and if a poem is supposed to bleed out want/love/need the reader should be able to feel that from the author of it. your description did set this poem in a bad light, for me, if not everyone else, because when you demand a reader to read, and if you say this is your best poem to date, the reader is expecting something great, and if they are disappointed they have no reason to ever read your poetry again. this poem is about you, you are a unique person, and a poem should reflect that uniqueness, and i think until you capture your soul in your poems, you will not have a best to date. because once you capture your soul everything else falls in place, and that is where real poetry is. maybe you will capture your soul, and maybe you wont, but i think you can at least revise this poem to give it justice. |
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Re: why does it seem
(User Rating: 1 )
by enigma on
Monday, 21st November 2005 @ 07:34:21 PM AEST
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...hmmmmm...I'm not a professional poet...been writing for close to forty years...I guess the question is: What is poetry suppose to be?
...never thought much about it this way...seems that poetry...the essential nature of poetry isn't capitalistic adherence to profitability...it isn't even a proper grammatical discipline...words, for the most part, are simply the archaic medium through which the heart, soul and spirit must flow...like the wire and electricity...though words and syntax and prim and proper grammatical expression are the copper through which this sacred expression must flow, it is more a hinderance than a help...
...keep expressing your heart, soul and spirit...throw it out there however you can...your grammar and syntax will catch up, if it needs to...
...if I can at all validate your feelings...I, too, have experienced much the same...it will never be the same for any two people, and thus, the nuance of personal experience is given life with each new expression...
...you communicated...that is sufficient, unless you're trying to sell books...and when capitalism sticks its nose in...well........
ron...enigma |
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