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I Am Asking.
Contributed by
RICHARD_CAMPBELL
on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 05:56:02 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Can i trust u?
with my life.
Or should i ask u to be my wife.
Can i hold your hand?
o how i pray,to be your man.
Can i kiss u o my friend?
will you be with me till life end?
sharper than a knife
yet i love u wife.
smile so bright,
clean and white .
your words of wisdom
set my heart on firer tonight.
o how i love u to be my wife.
Copyright ©
RICHARD_CAMPBELL
... [
2005-11-12 17:56:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I Am Asking.
(User Rating: 1 )
by Whisper on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 08:31:35 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Nice write. Thanks fer sharing
Whisper |
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Re: I Am Asking.
(User Rating: 1 )
by Poetic_Influence on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 09:49:08 PM AEST
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| Use more..."intense words", not being rude, because tis a good poem, but show more emotion |
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Re: I Am Asking.
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 11:55:30 PM AEST
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This is personal opinion, so do with it what you will --- but... "sharper than a knife" seems terribly out of place here. Other than being an obvious rhyme for 'wife', it doesn't seem to fit with the general mood of the piece. I feel the same about "friend", I'm afraid... an obvious rhyme for 'end', but not particularly effective when speaking of someone you wish to be your wife. Sometimes near rhyme or imperfect rhyme is simply more effective than going with the obvious rhyme. I do hope you don't mind me adding my two cents here... as I said earlier, it is only this reader's opinon - disregard it if you see fit to do so.
~Snemmy |
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