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Ignore The Second Hand For Once

Contributed by TeenageDirtbag on Sunday, 23rd October 2005 @ 11:42:05 PM in AEST
Topic: MiscPoems

Falling in and out of step
Running completely out of time
'Til its all around us but just so skewed
Everything coming towards me is a blur
And I'm afraid that I might fall
But if I do, the time will catch me
Just like the motions of your hands
Across this empty field
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it
For just one chance to feel alive.

Copyright © TeenageDirtbag ... [ 2005-10-23 23:42:05]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Ignore The Second Hand For Once (User Rating: 1 )
by nosoup4crr on Monday, 24th October 2005 @ 01:59:38 AM AEST
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Well...First off, I think you need to move out of abstraction. Honestly, the only thing I got out of this poem is, "Things are moving too fast. I'm scared. I love you. Is it worth it?" The way you can make the piece more meaningful is by defining everything in the poem. You can't leave something unadressed. For instance, in the 3rd line, you use the pronoun "its" (Should be it's), and you need to tell us what "it" is. It will help the reader identify with what you're feeling. You're afraid you "Might fall?" Okay...fall into what? Use a metaphor to help explain it. How is his hand like time? In the second to last line, you say "it" again, without defining what it is. I think if you flesh this piece out, it could be really good. You just have to help the reader out a little with how the piece is supposed to make him feel.

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