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To My Sweet Love
Contributed by
Adonis
on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 06:15:41 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
To My Sweet Love
If I could say three words to you,
Then what I’d say is “I love you.”
I love you more than life itself,
More than anybody else.
No one could love you like I do,
I’d give away the world for you.
If I could give two things to you,
I’d give you my heart and my soul too.
My love for you will never die,
Away we’ll go, just you and I.
No one could love you like I do,
Please tell me that you love me too.
If I could do one thing to you,
I’d softly, lovingly kiss you.
I’ll never leave; I promise this,
When I’m with you I feel such bliss.
No one could love you like I do,
Forever I’ll love only you.
Copyright ©
Adonis
... [
2005-10-09 18:15:41]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by O7NeVeS on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 07:04:55 PM AEST
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| I think this was a good first attempt! Nice job. I think that certain lines don't flow too smooth, but overall, nice job...keep writing! Tanya |
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by LoveStruck_Hippie on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 07:30:23 PM AEST
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Beautiful first attempt. I do agree with needing some work with flow. Keep it up, each time you write you will grow a little bit.
*hugs*
Shannon |
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eternal_Dreamer on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 11:28:55 PM AEST
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A great attempt at your first poem. Some lines don't flow well, but the more you write you'll find that it gets better. Well done.
*hugs*
Sue |
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by brokenwings on
Monday, 10th October 2005 @ 12:50:59 AM AEST
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| good job |
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 10th October 2005 @ 09:47:34 AM AEST
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Don't listen to any of them. They're being nice because they're afraid of being honest with you. Whilst there's nothing wrong in expressing yourself for yourself, expressing yourself for your audience requires a gargantuan leap in both the quality of your writing, and of your understanding of what poetry is. What you need to get a grasp upon first, is what consitutes 'good' poetry. I would recommend forgetting rhyme and reading the following ;
" A Display of Mackerel" [eir.library.utoronto.ca] by Mark Doty
" Life Is Beautiful [www.pshares.org]" by Dorianne Laux
" Death of a Naturalist [www.diacenter.org]" by Seamus Heaney
" Fast Break [www.loc.go]" by Edward Hirsch
" Walking the Marshland [plagiarist.com]" by Stephen Dunn
for a start. As a useful exercise, contrast what you've written with these poems to begin to develop a clear idea of wherein good poetry lies.
Also, If you are really serious about wanting to gain an understanding of how to write poetry, you'll need to invest in several of the following books:
Frances Mayes--The Discovery of Poetry: A Field Guide to Reading and Writing Poems [www.amazon.com]
Steve Kowit--In the Palm of Your Hand: The Poet's Portable Workshop [www.amazon.com]
Ted Kooser -- The Poetry Home Repair Manual: Practical Advice for Beginning Poets [unp.unl.edu]
Mary Oliver--A Poetry Handbook [www.amazon.com]
Laurence Perrine--Sound and Sense [www.amazon.com]
Kim Adonnizio and Dorianne Laux--The Poet's Companion: A Guide to the Pleasures of Writing Poetry [www.amazon.com]
Robert Pinsky--The Sounds of Poetry [www.amazon.com]
Additionally, you would need to read a great deal of current poetry; some good collections are;
The New Bread Loaf Anthology of Contemporary American Poetry, ed. by Michael Collier and Stanley Plumly [www.upne.com]
New British Poetry edited by Don Paterson and Charles Simic [www.amazon.com]
Contemporary American Poetry, ed. by R. S. Gwynn and April Lindner [www.ablongman.com]
Happy reading!
N_F
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 10th October 2005 @ 09:51:57 AM AEST
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Hmn. The linking on comments are obviously dud. If you wish, you can extract the URLs from the links - but that would probably put you off. Perhaps you can find these titles for yourself ~ they're freely available on amazon.com and throughout the internet.
Good luck anyways.
N_F |
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by SweetRhythm on
Monday, 10th October 2005 @ 03:47:44 PM AEST
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Very impressive for a first write. I thoroughly enjoyed it and felt swept away by such dedicated sweet endearing sentiments. Truly endearing and breath taking write.
I cannot attempt to give you advice as I do not claim to be any sort of pro myself but all I will say to you is...go with your heart. Don't try to be anyone else or go with any style. Give out whatever you feel and once you feel strongly about something the words will flow easy enough.
Great work and I really enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing your work with us.
Your Fellow Poet
SweetRhythm |
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Re: To My Sweet Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Tuesday, 11th October 2005 @ 03:01:49 AM AEST
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Whoa *jumps, slightly startled-like, at the vastness of N_f's comment*
It's good advice he gives, though. My few small pointers will seem a bit insignificant after it, but here goes.
Poetry does not rely on rhyme to be poetry, and learning to rhyme well is not what will make you a good poet. Now, I'm not saying anything against rhyme, I just see a lot of new writers start out with some bad ideas as to the importance of rhyme.
Flow is important. Learning to make your words smoothly lead into one another will improve the quality of your writing greatly. Flow matters not so much in sound as in meaning - everything in the poem should lead into something else. Resist the allure of cataloging (listing things without strong connection) except in rare cases when a cataloging-poem is in order (read some ancient Gaelic or Irish poetry to find something of the beauty of a catalog-style done properly).
Specifically to this poem, there are too many clichés, too much convention. I know convention is not always bad, but there is so much cliché in love poetry, and like we all do, you've more or less included most of it. I've read very little truly fresh and excellent love poetry, but it is well worth striving for, for it is phenomenal. And with hard, hard work it can be achieved.
Let's see... lines do not need to be the same or similar in length. The secret to free verse (what distinguishes it from mindless drivel with no style, which I've no doubt you've seen, as I have, before) is that it uses line breaks to bring out the really crucial, powerful, terribly important words, the words which give the poem its strength. And there are relatively few really powerful words in a good poem, such is its nature. Looking carefully you can usually find them. Learning to couch them in the form so that they lose no power from words that shouldn't be there with them is important. Now, I know this is not free verse, but all styles can learn from this aspect of the best free verse.
I could say more, but these are the only things which come to mind, so I shall stop now.
Now, I didn't dislike this piece. It's honest and prepared with loving care, and I salute you for trying it out. But there is a vast wasteland to walk through for most beginning poets, and all the above truths were hard-earned. Just hoping to save you a few miles. If you find anything of help to you, I shall be pleased.
Keep it up!
Andrew
(writing a fairly massive post himself, come to think of it) |
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