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Twilight Life
Contributed by
Dark_and_Cold
on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 12:03:24 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
Night falls in my head
As the last light fades from the sky
And as the sun turns bloody red
In my mind the shadows fly
The fragments of hope flitter away
As a dark smile spreads across my face
I will never see another day
And in my mind the shadows race
The candles shine like the glimmering stars
I snuff them with a haughty glance
But they leave me shimmering scars
While in my mind the shadows dance
As my eyes close there’s no turning back
Darkness flows from my lips like a stream
And as the moon turns bible black
In my mind the shadows scream
Let the light perish within me
I wished upon a dying star
Let the darkness only befriend me
In my mind the shadows are
Let the chill of death freeze my tears to blackened ice
I wear the darkness like a jewel
And let the twilight lead me to my paradise
In my mind the shadows rule
One part day, three parts night
Such was the way of my twilight life
Shadows can’t exist without a sliver of light
But there is no tomorrow when I live in tonight
One part life, three parts death
Such is the world since I first took a breath
Shadows can’t exist without a sliver of light
But there will be no tomorrow if I die tonight
Copyright ©
Dark_and_Cold
... [
2005-10-09 00:03:24]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by reprobate on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 07:54:14 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i like the recipe.
has a hauntingly 'familiar taste'.
thanks for for sharing |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by fielding88 on
Monday, 10th October 2005 @ 12:51:38 PM AEST
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| Pretty good, I'd like to know when this was written, but nevertheless I think it was still pretty solid of a write. The metering here again might be tweaked to allow for better flow of the stanzas, and some of the rhymes seem forced at times, but that's just me. A bit of polishing of this piece can go far. Good work. |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by grim6669 on
Monday, 10th October 2005 @ 02:05:09 PM AEST
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I REALLY LOVE IT.......YOU AND ME DO HAVE OUR POETRY IN COMMON.....AND LIKE YOU SAID WE SHOULD STICK TOGETHER ON THIS.....AFTER ALL....WE DO SHARE THE SAME LOVE FOR OUR MORBID POETRY.
KEEP IT UP. I HOPE YOU SUBMITT MORE SOON.
GRIM6669
AMBER |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 11th October 2005 @ 05:48:59 AM AEST
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It's difficult to write about depression without sounding cliché'd. The main problem with this write (as you probably should already know) is its
- abstractions (in my mind, the shadows / As my eyes close there’s no turning back / Such was the way of my twilight life)
- the clichés (I wished upon a dying star / In my mind the shadows scream)
- the forced inversions (In my mind the shadows are - basically every end line)
- the telling language (The candles shine like the glimmering stars / But there will be no tomorrow if I die tonight )
- the length (8 stanzas, for an internalized journal entry?)
- the total lack of both metrical and syllabic discipline, in succeedent stanzas. I won't bother with a scansion, since I don't believe this submission (or you, specifically, at this moment in my estimation) merits one.
I did like parts of this poem;
- One part day, three parts night was an interesting concept, but was thrown out by it being consumed by the abstraction of 'the world' in the next line. If there was a more concise reason for this literal'death', then it would remain interesting. The ending line is simply banal, in comparison.
- I wear the darkness like a jewel Implies that you are proud of the darkness. However, this is annulled in the final stanza, with the incongruous finalé.
Now, I know you didn't ask for this critical assessment, but you seem to have neglected your responsibility to explain your comment upon my more recent submission, and I'm worried that you really don't know how to properly criticise any submission, and instead, are only interested in leaving jaded, sarcastic and unreasonable responses upon many other's works (much in evidence), without much consideration to how it makes your persona appear to the wider community on this site. Hopefully, this comment might give you a few friendly reminders of such responsibilities in that, if you are going to give comments such as 'there didn't seem to be much thought, time or emotion put into this effort' upon others' poems, then at least you can offer up the reasons why you thought so, instead of simply making yourself out to be sarcastic and spiteful - nay, who knows? - even jealous?
Well, at any rate - I don't usually give out critical analysis unless people specifically ask for comments, but again, I think you need reminding of its principles. I'll assume you won't take any action upon this critique, since, as you put it "I post the crappy stuff I wrote when I was 15 first," and this submission certainly seems to fit that bracket.
Hope to read more quality submissions from you soon,
N_F |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by LEMMEN on
Tuesday, 11th October 2005 @ 05:54:43 AM AEST
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Well i'm not the greatest commenter on the site but i did like your write well done
~DENNIS~ |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by Dark_and_Cold on
Tuesday, 11th October 2005 @ 08:44:04 AM AEST
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| Neptune, I don't think a poem written in ten minutes in my microeconomics class merits a critique that took twenty to write...lol... |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by Dark_and_Cold on
Tuesday, 11th October 2005 @ 12:31:57 PM AEST
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| I hope you don't think I'm going to take the time to read your lengthy and dry analysis of my poem, not only becuase it looked as boring as one of your poems, but because I have little doubt that it existes soley because I commented honestly on your latest lack-luster offering. I'm a bit puzzled as to why you thought I would even bother reading your comment. I spend about an hour a year writing poetry. Max. Lately I've written more often because I'm bored in class. Furthermore, I care little about the opinions of others. What makes you think I would be the LEAST bit interested in your thoughts and opinions in relation to my poetry??? You're merely insulted because you recieved a comment you didn't like and so in turn, you post a huge comment on one of my poems, I assume, criticizing it. How childish. You're probably twice my age, why don't you start acting like it. Please continue though, with your posting of such comments, it only makes you look petty. I'm sure I'll post several more in the next few days, knock yourself out. |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Tuesday, 11th October 2005 @ 07:57:23 PM AEST
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I think you are condemning yourself here, have you lived a life so bad that you will never find forgiveness? I think not (If I can forgive you God can forgive you and of more)
(I like the rhyming but I think you should find a way to make the beats work too. In each stanza you are no more than 3 beats short or 3 beats over). |
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Re: Twilight Life
(User Rating: 1 )
by brew on
Friday, 14th October 2005 @ 07:49:09 PM AEST
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Such depth, yet.........hmm i feel a little, subtle.......to an extent.! Good write,............such thoughts, that you allow the reader to see, or have......Thanks for sharing..
Brew~ |
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