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Ice
Contributed by
Dark_and_Cold
on
Saturday, 8th October 2005 @ 11:29:50 PM in AEST
Topic:
anguished
|
Finally my eyes open and I see you turn to leave
Time starts to slow as my heart begins to freeze
From the Heavens comes a downpour of chilling frozen rain
It freezes on my skin and gently numbs the pain
The snow drifts down, covering me whole
As the image of your face is freeze-burned forever into my soul
My best friend comes to rip me apart again
His name is despair, he smiles as I invite him in
The summer died along with your smiles
I grit my frozen teeth and prepare to die awhile
My skin is now ice, begins to turn blue
And yet still in my misery, I still think of you
A river of ice is flowing though my head
I grasp for the warmth but cold comes instead
The frost reaches up, takes hold of my mind
Taking the place of the peace I can’t find
Why did you leave after all our summers past?
My heart begins to freeze, winter is here at last.
Copyright ©
Dark_and_Cold
... [
2005-10-08 23:29:50]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by fielding88 on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 12:00:43 AM AEST
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Hmm, kind of an off-putting author's note, lol, but at the same time i'm glad I read this. If you've made progression in your writes from this I think you have somewhere to go, I myself having written my first stuff when I was 15 going on 16 and now only a year and a half later I find those writes to fall in the same category you've placed yours in.
If anything I'll try to dissect this one for you so that you get some real feedback. Your rhymes were generally pretty good, with the only inconsistencies being in the rhythm of the poem in my eyes. Maybe a few too many syllables in a couple lines that would trip up the reader a bit when they read it. That's easily fixed, and again I have yet to see anything you've written today. There may be a couple slant rhymes there too, but that's so easily forgivable at times when you apply good concepts in your poetry that need to be mentioned.
Mainly in this piece, the best thing about it is the concept and your ending. The cold and everything was a good idea, and I think you handled it pretty good, but with everything there's always room for improvement.
This was a good write, and I look forward to seeing something you actually like posting here in the future and welcome to YPDC! |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by jheng on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 12:19:24 AM AEST
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its a nice poem, i am also posted some of my old poems, and the comments of others gave me the courage to continue trying to write poems again. hope it will do the same for you |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 10:21:40 AM AEST
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Welcome to YPDC, Dark and Cold! I suspect you've probably already decided to continue posting - so I'll refrain from rambling on about how you should (my thought process here, based on the fact that you're probably like the rest of us --- once over the hurdle and through the door here, an immediate addiction sets in and one cannot help but continue...).
I'll echo what Marc (fielding88) has said here... your closing line is fabulous! There are a few hiccups as one reads along, an extra syllable or two here and there... but overall, it is worthy of the read. If this is your starting point --- I can't wait to see what else you have to offer!
Inclined to think I'll be back to your page,
~Snemmy |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by grim6669 on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 12:46:32 PM AEST
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| hi.....um.....i like it it's cool and i like your choice of words. good write |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadheadpoet on
Wednesday, 12th October 2005 @ 09:31:49 PM AEST
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| Great write man....several lines really caught me..."From the Heavens comes a downpour of chilling frozen rain It freezes on my skin and gently numbs the pain" That was really good. I also liked this..."The frost reaches up, takes hold of my mind Taking the place of the peace I can't find" I read the poem you posted today....it made me come check out your other stuff, glad I did. Peace to you, Laura |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 14th October 2005 @ 01:44:44 AM AEST
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This write is colder than ice.. lots of misery in it.. anger for sure..
I agree, if this poem was written at the ripe old age of 15, you really will excel.
The way you squeezed the lines together kept me reading it all the way through.. I really enjoyed your icey word choices to express a feeling. Welcome to YPDC, I joined June 14, 2005.. yes, please, keep writing.. I enjoyed this poem.. a good write comes straight from the heart...whether it rhymes or not...I like to read poems for the sheer enjoyment, and they story they tell... In a sense, it allows me to learn about the personality of the writer...
Raquel Leah :D |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by djs on
Friday, 14th October 2005 @ 12:31:57 PM AEST
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| i feel like this every day of my life. it seems like all of your poetry was written for me. again, you rock! |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by EsotericWsdm4 on
Tuesday, 25th October 2005 @ 01:20:05 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Don't dismiss your talent...it's a copout. |
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Re: Ice
(User Rating: 1 )
by Elizabeth_Dandy on
Saturday, 26th November 2005 @ 09:45:59 PM AEST
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Yes I too agree with what the afore commenters said.
The subject is of course fascinating.
Ice Cold. Dante already depicted his hell freezing cold and Muslim s imagine the same.
It's ver well penned, a great subject, and
oh la la, being myself presently the victim of a heatless apartment have my own thoughts about cold (:-) ((:- )
Fine job.
Welcome to YPDC
Elizabeth |
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