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The Mistake
Contributed by
shattered_glass
on
Thursday, 6th October 2005 @ 06:34:21 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
She runs around the corner
Her heart pumping in her chest
She pants louder
Her thoughts are a mess
Tears burn her face
As they run down her cheek
Pain haunts her body
It dosnt want to leave
She spots the ocean
Its just up ahead
She increases her pace
She can hear what they said
She's not good enough
She's a mistake
They don't want her anymore
They wish she was dead
She's reached the shore now
She strips off her clothes
For the last time she's breathing
For the last time she's cold
She plunges into the water
And swims into the depths
The icey water surrounds her
She can almost smell her death
She takes her last breath
And dives below
Remembering all the good times
Remembering the bad
She wonders if its worth it
She realises its too late
The water has sealed her
Her life has taken her last step
By Hannah
Copyright ©
shattered_glass
... [
2005-10-06 06:34:21]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by remote on
Thursday, 6th October 2005 @ 04:01:12 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
"and give us some good feedback k cheers"
How many of you wrote this one?
The poem has a good rhythm going.
"She strips off her clothes"
Now why in the world would she do that if she is not planning on just a skinny dip and not drowning herself.
"For the last time she's breathing"
"She takes her last breath"
Thats just one too many last breaths.
"She plunges into the water"
I don't recall her coming up for air again to take one more last breath.
"Her life has taken her last step"
"Step?" dive is more like it.
You just drowned a chick you don't even know and said "cheers", I liked that. |
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Re: The Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by fredsmith on
Thursday, 6th October 2005 @ 06:43:10 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
that was awsum and sad at the same time
5/5 you hav major talent |
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Re: The Mistake
(User Rating: 1 )
by guiltycircles on
Saturday, 8th October 2005 @ 08:06:26 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| that girl is me, well written |
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