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Burning the Setting Sun
Contributed by
Mild_Tempest
on
Saturday, 24th September 2005 @ 03:57:09 PM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
Burning the Setting Sun
My anger burned like the setting sun
A nightmare I couldn't wake from.
In laughter I could cry burning tears
Laugh until this pain has gone away.
On the nights split by the dawn
I could feel the warmth flee from me.
My loneliness is all that I can hear
Inside the deep dark of my heart.
Was the clear sky a vivid illusion
Or for once was the sun shinning.
Were the clouds finally dry of rain
So I could hear the birds final cry.
What froze in my minds conclusion
Defied everything I wanted to do.
When did my life make its own pain
And what I knew was right was wrong.
When did life move like a ghost
And we didn't notice it passing us.
The road to through life is smeared
When the hard work goes too fast.
In the watery sky along the coast
Lies a loved shattered rainbow.
Like cold death love is feared
it won’t fill the empty blank holes.
Under the dancing light in darkness
The shrouded earth had no beauty.
My anger burned like the setting sun
A nightmare I couldn't wake from.
On the nights split by the dawn
I could feel the warmth flee from me.
My anger burned like the setting sun
A feeling locked inside I couldn’t free.
Copyright ©
Mild_Tempest
... [
2005-09-24 15:57:09]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Burning the Setting Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by autumn_zephyr on
Saturday, 24th September 2005 @ 05:39:19 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I really liked it, I don't think you need to fix it, very well written. |
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Re: Burning the Setting Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by grim6669 on
Saturday, 24th September 2005 @ 06:06:23 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| i like it.keep it up. it doesn't need any changes it's good the way it is. |
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Re: Burning the Setting Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by brew on
Saturday, 24th September 2005 @ 10:06:06 PM AEST
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a Message)
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the whole want bad.....maybe some spelling cks.......I cant say that to all, becuase, I am a bad speller.well, not that, just a bad typer.! But go back, and re-read.!
brew~ |
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Re: Burning the Setting Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by ArsenicMyst on
Sunday, 25th September 2005 @ 12:12:53 AM AEST
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a Message)
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hi mt
really very good ...
each verse is into a journey unto itself which is nice ...
meaning there is no redudndancy
id eliminate a few "the", and strengthen the 5th verse
which is actually my favorite ... id make the first line
not a question and go from there ...
i like the last verse being an echo of something earlier ...
i think there it needs either to be fully resolved,
or made even more to leave one feeling suspended
good artful write
*´`·.¸¸.* arsenic
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Re: Burning the Setting Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by Robert_Edgar_Burns on
Tuesday, 27th September 2005 @ 04:47:50 AM AEST
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2nd verse: (Second Line) (Change to):.. feel the warmth escape me.
4th verse: (change to): And what I knew as right was wrong.
5th verse: (change to): Delete the word to in 3rd line. Then 4th line
When hard work quickly passes.
Just a suggestion. Not being too critical I hope but you did ask for advice. Otherwise a very lovely poem. Great job1
Rob |
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