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My fire slowly burns
Contributed by
lostrelic
on
Wednesday, 21st September 2005 @ 02:19:08 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Hiding in this surreal forest scampering threw the leaves
living in my oak home beneath the red wood trees
sun so bright the call of day my fire slowly burns
hear the howl of last nights storm as morning slowly turns
The fountain of water near my bed ice cold from the mountain high
from snow so white the peak slices the great blue sky
simple pleasures yet so needed after all the city stress
finally getting what i deserve a little bit of rest
no more cars and gunshots that brought such a fright
or dealers hanging at my door selling death all threw the night
The odor of breakfast from the fire a scent to hard to tell
as eggs and bacon fry away what a wonderful smell
sitting in my heaven the closest ill get on earth
in my little spot amid the trees in the whole of this globes girth
Copyright ©
lostrelic
... [
2005-09-21 14:19:08]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: My fire slowly burns
(User Rating: 1 )
by nosoup4crr on
Wednesday, 21st September 2005 @ 02:26:20 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I loved the first stanza. There are some great lines in there. I think that after the second line in the second stanza, though, it goes in a direction that seems a bit cliched. Honestly, i think there's a lot to be had simply in the first and last stanzas, and that those can stand alone as their own poem. On a technical note, you might want to add punctuation, as there were points where the reading was choppy and lost. Also, "threw" in the first line should be "through." |
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Re: My fire slowly burns
(User Rating: 1 )
by WAE on
Wednesday, 21st September 2005 @ 02:31:21 PM AEST
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It really flows. I just wanted to point out the spelling of 'through'...
Alex |
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Re: My fire slowly burns
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eternal_Dreamer on
Wednesday, 21st September 2005 @ 06:42:08 PM AEST
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Wow this is sensational. A brilliantly written piece of poetry. I love ur style. I shall hope to read more of ur work. Well done on an awesome write.
Hugs,
Sue, Dreamer |
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