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bouquet of regret
Contributed by
lostrelic
on
Thursday, 15th September 2005 @ 03:43:45 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
following the trail from your boots to my heart
crimson red the colour so deep
this bouquet of regret my sad way of sorry
now just a stain on the floor
she didn't mean a thing it was an accident
all the things i can say
sorry forgive me it will never happen again
words like cotton candy fluff for the mind
walk away run i am a life time of regret
i am not even human i am the lowest of low
but you stare and cry and run in my arms
DO YOU NEED A MAP
can't you see i'm like a plague
happiness is a faded hope
leave me
say good bye
Copyright ©
lostrelic
... [
2005-09-15 15:43:45]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: bouquet of regret
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 15th September 2005 @ 03:55:26 PM AEST
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Terribly sad, but you have that captured. (It's regret, not regreat.) A poem of despair, certainly. Keep writing.
Blessings, J. |
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Re: bouquet of regret
(User Rating: 1 )
by WAE on
Thursday, 15th September 2005 @ 06:28:01 PM AEST
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A very sad story...
Best of luck...
Alex |
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Re: bouquet of regret
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 16th September 2005 @ 04:52:10 AM AEST
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Hmn. It was an 'interesting' start. The idea is certainly off-the-wall, but ultimately makes no sense at all in the realms of canininity; You are (from what I can make out) attempting to portray the narrator as a dog, but the perspective is skewed. You might mean a metaphoric dog, as one is when one is in 'the doghouse', but there is no clue to lead me towards this conclusion. It ends up blaring nonsense this way and that. Without capitalisation, indeed;
following the trail from your boots to my heart --this is backwards, IMO. I think it should be heart to boots, to insinuate trampling over a heart. I hope it means this, as otherwise, it is nonsense.
crimson red the colour so deep -- crimson is *such* a cliche'd method of describing the colour red, unfortunately.
this bouquet of regret my sad way of sorry -- an interesting line. Perhaps the best of this submission. However, 'way of sorry' is wrong ~ surely you mean 'sad way of saying sorry'?
now just a stain on the floor -- now a bouquet is a stain?? Hmn. I'm beginning to get lost here . . .
she didn't mean a thing it was an accident -- Okay, now we have a female on the go . . .
all the things i can say -- that's only one thing. Properly, this line would be written as 'All that I can say'.
sorry forgive me it will never happen again -- Your total lack of punctuation is destroying the flow (and sensibility) of these words turning them into something you might hear from a broken, text reading robot . . .
words like cotton candy fluff for the mind -- now I'm interested again, but I don't know, conceptually, where I'm at and why I'm reading this anymore;
walk away run i am a life time of regret -- Your N is a life time of regret . . ?
i am not even human i am the lowest of low -- I'm thinking that's a bit of an overblown lament . . . but whatever - I expect this is to do with the title?
but you stare and cry and run in my arms -- Gah. Why?? Who is YOU? Who is SHE? Why the hell does a dog have arms!?? I am totally lost here . . .
DO YOU NEED A MAP -- Obviously. And you need a question (?) mark at the end of that line, for a start . . .
can't you see i'm like a plague --Avoid N in future, yes . . .
happiness is a faded hope -- . . . you are sad because . . ? A bouquet is on the floor, which is crimson in colour, that trails from 'YOUR' boots, whomever that may be.
leave me
say good bye -- Indeed I will, soon enough.
I don't like coming to the conclusion that i've spent more time on this 'analysis' (or should that be wild metaphoric goose chase?) than the writer has on the poem, but . . .
Pfft. Look, I'm not trying to be mean, but if you don't spend time proofreading and presenting your submissions to an acceptable standard (meaning having your writing make sense and be legible and NOT confusing) - why should anyone spend any of their time providing you with any concise, truthful commentary? I did this out of the spirit of charity. I don't expect a comment from you in return, thanks,
N_F |
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