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Fade to Dust (part 1)
Contributed by
Rxqueen
on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 08:53:16 AM in AEST
Topic:
anguished
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I felt you move inside of me
an intrusion of more than flesh
but you were my revenge
someone new and fresh
it was your pleasure only
me? sedated by pain of past
but knowing like every sinful encounter
this would not forever last
I let you in my temple
a body where heartache festered
I let you take me over
as the burn from memories blistered
by hurting me I was killing him
another man in his wife with lust?
it took his pride; his dignity
but consumed us both with disgust
(and I began to fade to dust...)
Copyright ©
Rxqueen
... [
2005-09-14 08:53:16]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 09:37:20 AM AEST
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awww you, This is so filled with bitterness. It comes off the page in waves. You have created a very emotive piece, one that allows your readers to shsre your pain. In my book, anything that does that it well written.
Welcome back. |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 09:44:38 AM AEST
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Some parts don't make sense, Rx;
it was your pleasure only -- it? Methinks that "it's" redundant in the question.
me? sedated by pain of past -- past what? Might you want to pluralise pain?
but knowing like every sinful encounter
this would not forever last -- Hmn. A bit of a Yoda-ism there. (an 'inversion' in correct terms)
I let you in my temple
a body where heartache festered -- I think you need to strengthen the metaphor here. Perhaps you worshipped heartache in some perverted way?
I let you take me over
as the burn from memories blistered -- I like burning and blistering memories. That's an original expression which keeps me reading.
by hurting me I was killing him -- I think you mean 'hurting myself', don't you?
another man in his wife with lust? -- Uhh. Doh? I don't understand that line at all.
it took his pride; his dignity
but consumed us both with disgust
(and I began to fade to dust...)
Overall, the ending gets me confused as to what the situation actually was and how it panned out. I'm getting that you fade to dust (in disgust at infidelity, perhaps) but the message is skewed overall.
Hope this helps you out,
Keep writing,
N_F |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by brew on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 10:21:32 AM AEST
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pain and anguish..........all in all a great write of both. Seems it hurt, yet you gave back what you got. Yes, revenge is always sweet and it will revail. Thnaks for posting
Brew~ |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by WAE on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 11:24:59 AM AEST
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I can't say anything about technical side of your poem but its content, being so sincere, made me recall something from my own pat...
I enjoyed it.
Good luck. |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 01:31:46 PM AEST
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WOW Rx very intense write girl.
Nice to see you posting again.
love and hugs |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Nazmythian on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 02:55:59 PM AEST
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Whoo Hooo .... Me personally, I am a very big fan of suggestive comments ... though I get slapped often for saying them. LOL
I see this as an act of retaliation, something you would not have even considered had you not been pushed past a too far point. The bad thing here, is that as the title seems to indicate ... the fact that you have allowed your revenge to manifest in such a manner ... you have in turn sold a part of yourself and begin to despise in yourself what you despised of the person that hurt you. I feel it to be a strong sentiment. The rhythm skips a beat here or there ... but as I read through it, you pulled me into the situation. You will capture most of your readers with this.
Nazzy ~ |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by blowfish_jane on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 05:12:18 PM AEST
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Yes, revenge is not as sweet as some of the media represents it.
I think you've pulled your emotions well in this piece. I do agree with the skipping rhyiming but overall i don't think that matters here. Just so long you got your feelings across then thats fine by me.
Nicely done as always Joce.
Jane~ |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by PhantomVampyress on
Wednesday, 14th September 2005 @ 11:46:18 PM AEST
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wow welcome back and very powerful emotion filled write i love the flow..
great job
JENNI |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 15th September 2005 @ 01:32:18 PM AEST
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As always your passion is ever present in your writting though you have evolved and yet still have full comand of the basic instinct we
call survival, great write, and welcome back.
Ben |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 17th September 2005 @ 06:34:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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J, this was stellar. Simply outstanding. You truly have a gift
to evoke unimaginable emotion and feeling. To capture this
and make others feel it, is an incredible and rare talent. Bravo! I am awed.
~Breezy |
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Re: Fade to Dust (part 1)
(User Rating: 1 )
by the_Ghost_Moth on
Sunday, 9th October 2005 @ 07:41:21 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Very passionate and sordid poem
of adultery for revenge.
Remorse and shame.
--Ghosty
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